In short, My weight has fluctuated throughout the years. My confidence level is depends on my weight. To me my self worth will always ALWAYS be tied to the number I see on the scale. The number makes or breaks my day. If I get tagged in an ugly picture in which I can see my ugly fat arms or my double chin I immediately suffer from a bad mood. I am anxious about my weight and I may be downright paranoid. Everyday day and every mealtime I think of my stomach and thighs. Its a lifelong obsession.
Has anyone else been this way? AM I CRAZY?
I keep thinking one day I will be skinny and this shame I feel will end.
One day I will be pretty.
One day I will be normal.
One day this obsession will be over.
I am tired of feeling this way. I am really exhausted from the anxiety I feel.
May 29, 2012
My lifelong battle with fat.
For as long as I can remember I have always been fat.
I have never had a flat stomach or a waist that was less than 30 inches in diameter.
My earliest memory of feeling fat was probably in primary 3 when my battle with fat began. I remember wearing yellow winnie the pooh pajamas and staring at the mirror and pinching my stomach and my thunder thighs. I remember wishing for it to be skinnier and felt really sad that my cousins were all skinny and were what I considered 'normal'. I felt disgust and repulsed by my own image in the mirror. All I saw was my bushy eyebrows that joined in the middle and looked like a caterpillar across my forehead. My curly bushy frizzy hair that was beyond control. The pimples that left scars because I pinched them hoping they would disappear. The round pudgy face with a double chin. The lack of angles in my face. The fact that I was really dark and ironically is undesirable in the Indian community despite us being generally darker as a race.
I was even ashamed of my body changing and becoming more curvier if you know what I mean. Lets just say I matured a whole lot faster than my fellow 9 yr old friends. I hated how short I was. I HATED my body. I never told anybody how I felt inside because of the shame. I felt horrible in school. I even convinced myself that all my faults were somehow related to the fats I had. I told myself I was stupid because I cannot make myself look like the taller leaner skinnier girls with straight silky hair.
The worst part was that I had two best friends that were skinny and good looking in m eyes. They played sports and were academically inclined. I felt like a failure. Needless to say I had no self esteem and was paranoid about the way I looked. I lived in shame. I hit 65 kg in Primary 6 itself and was only barely 144 cm tall. I was obese. I ate my feelings of shame away and that was how my binge eating and emotional eating patterns began.
Then I went to secondary school and lost weight and gained confidence. some pictures of the gradual weight loss in sec sch are below.
oh there's worse thks to fb archives
Look at my face and there was a whole lot of baby fats and I HATED HOW I LOOKED STILL. This was taken in sec 2 .
After this I began to lose weight and crash diet.
However, since then the weight has been creeping back. A level stress was unbearable and I started bingeing again. Lack of exercise and eating out of control took its toll on my body.
TO be continued...
I have never had a flat stomach or a waist that was less than 30 inches in diameter.
My earliest memory of feeling fat was probably in primary 3 when my battle with fat began. I remember wearing yellow winnie the pooh pajamas and staring at the mirror and pinching my stomach and my thunder thighs. I remember wishing for it to be skinnier and felt really sad that my cousins were all skinny and were what I considered 'normal'. I felt disgust and repulsed by my own image in the mirror. All I saw was my bushy eyebrows that joined in the middle and looked like a caterpillar across my forehead. My curly bushy frizzy hair that was beyond control. The pimples that left scars because I pinched them hoping they would disappear. The round pudgy face with a double chin. The lack of angles in my face. The fact that I was really dark and ironically is undesirable in the Indian community despite us being generally darker as a race.
I was even ashamed of my body changing and becoming more curvier if you know what I mean. Lets just say I matured a whole lot faster than my fellow 9 yr old friends. I hated how short I was. I HATED my body. I never told anybody how I felt inside because of the shame. I felt horrible in school. I even convinced myself that all my faults were somehow related to the fats I had. I told myself I was stupid because I cannot make myself look like the taller leaner skinnier girls with straight silky hair.
The worst part was that I had two best friends that were skinny and good looking in m eyes. They played sports and were academically inclined. I felt like a failure. Needless to say I had no self esteem and was paranoid about the way I looked. I lived in shame. I hit 65 kg in Primary 6 itself and was only barely 144 cm tall. I was obese. I ate my feelings of shame away and that was how my binge eating and emotional eating patterns began.
Then I went to secondary school and lost weight and gained confidence. some pictures of the gradual weight loss in sec sch are below.
After this I began to lose weight and crash diet.
May 20, 2012
Some days are fucked up. pardon the french but its true.
A new job is never easy but I feel like I am slowly adapting to the new workplace and the quirky people that i see everyday. However, I don't think I will be staying here for the full 3 months because I realize I need some time off. I will be going to NUS in august so I need some time to rest and relax first. Kind of regret signing onto this job. Not so much due to the people but now Im just too lazy to work all the way. I wanna go to the gym and spend my days reading again.
Do ABSOLUTELY nothing stressful. yup soon soon. 11 days more till I resign my first job ;)
A new job is never easy but I feel like I am slowly adapting to the new workplace and the quirky people that i see everyday. However, I don't think I will be staying here for the full 3 months because I realize I need some time off. I will be going to NUS in august so I need some time to rest and relax first. Kind of regret signing onto this job. Not so much due to the people but now Im just too lazy to work all the way. I wanna go to the gym and spend my days reading again.
Do ABSOLUTELY nothing stressful. yup soon soon. 11 days more till I resign my first job ;)
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