Orientation week camp tomorrow

The past few days have been crazy because I have been thinking about what modules to take and how to bid etc. Not to mention getting in some driving lessons here and there because while I am at camp I won't be going for driving lessons most probably which is kinda scary.
I should probably start packing for camp tomorrow but I am frankly just so lazy to do anything today. I don't even feel like going for camp but I paid money for it and it would be such a waste if I skip it. I guess I have just been rather down about the whole start-of-uni thing because I keep thinking about how absolutely horrid J1 was. I keep telling myself to be open and willing to have fun with new people but frankly I keep obsessing about how I may not be able to get along with these new ppl and become a loner again. I think I actually like peace and quiet these days. I am happy being alone I think. I actually get really stressed when I have to meet and be forced to spend hours with random people. I keep thinking negative thoughts.

I actually wanted to go to residential college and was very excited about it but now that I actually have an offer from angsana I feel doubtful over whether I actually want to do it. I remember In j1 i would rush to go home cuz although things were bad in school I had parents that cared. Sometimes You just want someone to genuinely be there for you and parents always play that role no matter what. However, I would love the freedom and ability to navigate life on my own.

I really don't know why I am so down ;( I am starting orientation tomorrow! I SHOULD BE ALL HYPED UP AND HAPPY but nope I am dreading tomorrow and I just don't feel up for it. ARGH what is wrong with me.

I need to be positive! its the start of a new life! its something good! I need to be cheerful and try to build up that old confidence and heck care attitute I used to have! THE RUBINI I used to be in crescent. I used to be able to go anywhere and talk to anyone making them laugh and have a good time. Heck even in sgh , I made good friends like katheryn and had such a good time. I felt like the old me is back. I just need to stop thinking of what other's think of me and stop judging people even before I get to know them proper.

I need a personal mantra for a tough week ahead -
just keep going rubi!
keep trying to bond rubi!
find people that you are instinctively drawn to!
stop negative thoughts!
if all fails just smile ;)


Urgh yupp I will be back on wednesday night which is when I get to return home for a night before returning (hopefully) for 2 more days in camp.

Thats it, I am going so might as well make the most of it!
im gonna fake it till i make it man!

when you shut pain out you shut everything out. numbness.

Ok so after about 2 weeks of fairly healthy eating , today I ate an entire family sized bag of lays potato chips. In case anyone's wondering thats more than 1200 calories in less than 30 minutes. I wasn't even hungry. I was bored but I was not hungry. I woke up at 3pm today ( late night) ate a small packet of chicken rice for lunch - 500 calories and had homemade minestrone soup with some cheese toppings for dinner - 400-500 calories. So all things constant, good enough weekend day.

Then, mum bought a packet of lays - I actually asked her to because I was craving something salty and crisp. I ate about 1/3 of the bag and put the rest away. Somehow ended up eating the rest as well. I feel so disgusting. I actually attempted to purge it all out despite knowing its probably sooo bad. I now know what drives bulimics. Its a sense of lonely desperation. Maybe even abit of panic after a binge. Till today I only dealt with binges but today I tried to purge as well. I feel so bloated and disgusting. I know tomorrow I will wake up and all the sodium in the bag of chips will cause me to put on at least 1 kg of pure water weight. I know my face will flare up and tons of new pimples will stare back at me as I look into the mirror . Great, totally what I needed a couple of days before going for orientation camp. ;(

I think I just undid everything I did to be healthy so far. I am mad that I just cannot stick to anything. I am a freaking FAILURE.

very interesting look at obesity and weight ;)

runner's high?

Ok so after feeling like crap and sensing another binge episode coming soon I decided to put on my running shoes and go down for a jog. I also downloaded a jillian michaels podcast and listened and jogged the whole 40 minutes without stopping ( traffic lights don't count ).
I feel much better now. I don't feel like a slob because I know a slob wouldnt have bothered to go for a jog.
It was the perfect remedy for my horrible sense of failure.

Feeling like a whale...

I went for my JC class reunion yesterday and it kinda brought back all those little insecurities I had. Firstly, I had to walk through the entire botanic gardens to the other exit to meet my ex classmates ( a 45 minute brisk walk in hot humid weather) and ended up looking all unglam and sweaty . My hair was all frizzy and I looked like a hot mess. My classmates however, looked fresh and happy. (and skinny)

I just felt uncomfortable and actually just wanted to get home ASAP and take a cold shower. Lets just say it was not the best saturday morning I have had. When I got home I was anxious and insecure - a hot mess. I had a binge episode... yupp totally did. Today I woke up and weighed myself and after a whole week of eating right and exercise I actually managed to gain weight ;( I was 65.9kg on monday went down to 65.6 on wednesday, went up to 65.9 on friday and today I am 66.5kg. I GAINED 0.6KG after doing everything right the whole week. I have no idea if its just pms water weight or real weight or what anymore. I am so frustrated and just feel like a failure.

Its like whats the friggin point? I might as well eat junk and not exercise and gain weight rather than eat well and exercise and just gain weight. Its hard keeping positive when you dont see any results of hard work. Maybe I am just supposed to be a fucking whale. I just wanna lock myself in my room and not go out anywhere and let people see a whale like me. I don't wanna go to uni orientation and stuff and have to deal with people judging a fat whale like me with a huge belly and batwing arms and jiggly thighs. ;( seriously feel like shit right now ;(

Its funny how my entire day and mood is dependant on the numbers on a friggin weighing scale.

so far so good

hi everybody ;)
and yupp thats how i look fresh faced early in the morning. ( well not that early but everything is relative when you have no school or job to go to)
 so yupp was doing pretty well till this morning. I will explain later on in this post.

Since monday, I have been really mindful of what I am eating and I have been trying to not. Its really tough not eating out my emotions as always but things have been looking good. I even made a chart that shows my progress from day to day which is motivating.

So first lets talk about my meal plan. ( yupp it aint no miracle water fast or cabbage soup diet yall)
breakfast : whole wheat crackers and fruit/green tea with half a packet of equal (2calories)

I am so not a breakfast person so this is pretty much all I can manage to eat when I wake up. The tea is also a very easy way to curb my sweet tooth early on in the day so that I don't turn to the mars bars and sweet treats that occupy the fridge. ;( I keep telling my mum that it makes it really hard for me but she buys it for my brother and brushes me aside. However, I cannot blame my parents for my weight anymore. My initial weight problems and poor relationship with food may have been a result of some things my parents did wrong but now I know better and I am a friggin 19 year old! I need to take responsibility for my food issues and the extra temptation in the fridge is just an everyday test for me I guess.


Lunch : soup - this week I made a jumbo pot of minestrone soup with tons of veges and little bits of whole wheat pasta . I divided it into daily portions and froze them in the freezer to be warmed up whenever needed. Prep work ahead of time makes eating healthy a much easier task.

Alright, I do admit it does not look that great but Its just a quick afternoon meal. I must confess that I did have a piece of (gasp) WHITE bread with the soup though. It was all I had at home and I felt that I needed some toast to fill me up abit more to hold me till dinner. The soup has lots of cabbage and carrots and celery etc that it really does fill me up . It tastes really good and takes less than an hour to prepare and I basically throw in all the veges , add some tomato puree and let it simmer away till its done. voila stoup ( stew/soup)


dinner : a huge ass plate of salad greens,chicken/egg/some protein and other veges plus alittle bit of vinaigrette or plain yogurt seasoned with salt and pepper ( delicious!)

yupp and of course I had to grab some fritters that my dad had bought ;(
Well i must admit I did slip up a couple of times here and there.
First I practically inhaled 20 or so lays potato chips at one go before I even realised it!

Then I tried to stop myself from eating a slice of mushroom-cheese pizza I saw in the microwave as I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water . I kinda grabbed the whole thing and stuffed it into my mouth ;( Damn it felt good and bad at the same time.

And lastly today I had 5 delicious (but sinful) chocolate coated almond cookies today with my daily breakfast ;( I just could not resist. I am kinda ashamed of it but THIS IS ME COMING CLEAN AND BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I HAVE EATEN. Its such a battle everyday to stop.
I even met my good friend trishta for lunch yesterday to eat at CARNIVORE! a brazilian obviously meat centered restaurant which I skipped breakfast to save calories for .( personally I feel the food isnt worth the calories)

I tried limiting my portion but I have no idea how many calories I consumed. I am just hoping its not too much though.

Well moving onto workout details :
I ran 3km on tuesday and wednesday ( albeit at a snail pace but I am totally out of shape man)

 -me looking very unglamorous after a good jog.
I don't think the timing is accurate cuz there are tons of traffic junctions in choa chu kang. NO SERIOUSLY, every friggin 500 metres I encountered a traffic light and had to stop. Plus I am a slow jogger/runner which also adds to that.

I did lose abit of weight the last couple of days but today I weighed myself and realised I suddenly gained 1 kg overnight. no kidding. I was devastated and annoyed with the scale. Which explains the chocolate cookies with breakfast and fried fritters with salad for dinner since I do eat when frustrated. However, everything made sense ( boys just stop reading... really) when I started experiencing really bad cramps in the afternoon. OH HAHA its just the usual PMS bloat 1.5 kg of water weight and the chocolate cravings that come with it. AH the joys of being female.

I did however do an hour of yoga this afternoon and the side cramping has totally dissapeared! The power of yoga and stretching is just unexplainable. I felt great after the session.

I followed this video on youtube ( you should totally check her out man! awesome stuff)
Although the cramps are gone I am still suffering from extreme bloating which will be gone only when aunt flo comes to town ( I know abit TMI )
I feel like a whale and I am all swollen and puffy. Uncomfortable.
HAIZ its so demoralising to step on the scale and see an increase instead of a decrease. I mean I know its just temporary water weight and I did not overeat 7000 calories overnight or something. URGH. I am going to not weight myself so often for a week or two or I would prob go crazy. Talk about scale obsession right?


On the upside, I am going to the gym tomorrow with trishta and we are gonna work up a sweat !
Maybe I can sweat out the 1.5kg of water I have gained overnight! I was googling it and it seems to be one of the solutions apart from reducing sodium and drinking more water. lets see how it goes.

alrites then. I should really get to bed soon. sleep = better weight loss
I am so praying hard that I don't gain another 1.5 kg when I open my eyes tomorrow. ( but just in case I am not weighing myself tomorrow)
nites my fellow beautiful curvy ladies ;)

I know where I am going wrong. 
Ive been focused on short cuts but weight loss cannot be achieved by shortcuts.
The yo-yo dieting has done me no good.
After a pretty long hiatus I think I am finally going to do this the right way.
LETS SEE HOW IT GOES ;)
MY NEW MANTRA : FIT BY 20! 
my goal now is to reach my lifetime goal of 50kg by may 4th 2013 which will be my 20th birthday.