runner's high?

Ok so after feeling like crap and sensing another binge episode coming soon I decided to put on my running shoes and go down for a jog. I also downloaded a jillian michaels podcast and listened and jogged the whole 40 minutes without stopping ( traffic lights don't count ).
I feel much better now. I don't feel like a slob because I know a slob wouldnt have bothered to go for a jog.
It was the perfect remedy for my horrible sense of failure.

Feeling like a whale...

I went for my JC class reunion yesterday and it kinda brought back all those little insecurities I had. Firstly, I had to walk through the entire botanic gardens to the other exit to meet my ex classmates ( a 45 minute brisk walk in hot humid weather) and ended up looking all unglam and sweaty . My hair was all frizzy and I looked like a hot mess. My classmates however, looked fresh and happy. (and skinny)

I just felt uncomfortable and actually just wanted to get home ASAP and take a cold shower. Lets just say it was not the best saturday morning I have had. When I got home I was anxious and insecure - a hot mess. I had a binge episode... yupp totally did. Today I woke up and weighed myself and after a whole week of eating right and exercise I actually managed to gain weight ;( I was 65.9kg on monday went down to 65.6 on wednesday, went up to 65.9 on friday and today I am 66.5kg. I GAINED 0.6KG after doing everything right the whole week. I have no idea if its just pms water weight or real weight or what anymore. I am so frustrated and just feel like a failure.

Its like whats the friggin point? I might as well eat junk and not exercise and gain weight rather than eat well and exercise and just gain weight. Its hard keeping positive when you dont see any results of hard work. Maybe I am just supposed to be a fucking whale. I just wanna lock myself in my room and not go out anywhere and let people see a whale like me. I don't wanna go to uni orientation and stuff and have to deal with people judging a fat whale like me with a huge belly and batwing arms and jiggly thighs. ;( seriously feel like shit right now ;(

Its funny how my entire day and mood is dependant on the numbers on a friggin weighing scale.

so far so good

hi everybody ;)
and yupp thats how i look fresh faced early in the morning. ( well not that early but everything is relative when you have no school or job to go to)
 so yupp was doing pretty well till this morning. I will explain later on in this post.

Since monday, I have been really mindful of what I am eating and I have been trying to not. Its really tough not eating out my emotions as always but things have been looking good. I even made a chart that shows my progress from day to day which is motivating.

So first lets talk about my meal plan. ( yupp it aint no miracle water fast or cabbage soup diet yall)
breakfast : whole wheat crackers and fruit/green tea with half a packet of equal (2calories)

I am so not a breakfast person so this is pretty much all I can manage to eat when I wake up. The tea is also a very easy way to curb my sweet tooth early on in the day so that I don't turn to the mars bars and sweet treats that occupy the fridge. ;( I keep telling my mum that it makes it really hard for me but she buys it for my brother and brushes me aside. However, I cannot blame my parents for my weight anymore. My initial weight problems and poor relationship with food may have been a result of some things my parents did wrong but now I know better and I am a friggin 19 year old! I need to take responsibility for my food issues and the extra temptation in the fridge is just an everyday test for me I guess.


Lunch : soup - this week I made a jumbo pot of minestrone soup with tons of veges and little bits of whole wheat pasta . I divided it into daily portions and froze them in the freezer to be warmed up whenever needed. Prep work ahead of time makes eating healthy a much easier task.

Alright, I do admit it does not look that great but Its just a quick afternoon meal. I must confess that I did have a piece of (gasp) WHITE bread with the soup though. It was all I had at home and I felt that I needed some toast to fill me up abit more to hold me till dinner. The soup has lots of cabbage and carrots and celery etc that it really does fill me up . It tastes really good and takes less than an hour to prepare and I basically throw in all the veges , add some tomato puree and let it simmer away till its done. voila stoup ( stew/soup)


dinner : a huge ass plate of salad greens,chicken/egg/some protein and other veges plus alittle bit of vinaigrette or plain yogurt seasoned with salt and pepper ( delicious!)

yupp and of course I had to grab some fritters that my dad had bought ;(
Well i must admit I did slip up a couple of times here and there.
First I practically inhaled 20 or so lays potato chips at one go before I even realised it!

Then I tried to stop myself from eating a slice of mushroom-cheese pizza I saw in the microwave as I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water . I kinda grabbed the whole thing and stuffed it into my mouth ;( Damn it felt good and bad at the same time.

And lastly today I had 5 delicious (but sinful) chocolate coated almond cookies today with my daily breakfast ;( I just could not resist. I am kinda ashamed of it but THIS IS ME COMING CLEAN AND BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I HAVE EATEN. Its such a battle everyday to stop.
I even met my good friend trishta for lunch yesterday to eat at CARNIVORE! a brazilian obviously meat centered restaurant which I skipped breakfast to save calories for .( personally I feel the food isnt worth the calories)

I tried limiting my portion but I have no idea how many calories I consumed. I am just hoping its not too much though.

Well moving onto workout details :
I ran 3km on tuesday and wednesday ( albeit at a snail pace but I am totally out of shape man)

 -me looking very unglamorous after a good jog.
I don't think the timing is accurate cuz there are tons of traffic junctions in choa chu kang. NO SERIOUSLY, every friggin 500 metres I encountered a traffic light and had to stop. Plus I am a slow jogger/runner which also adds to that.

I did lose abit of weight the last couple of days but today I weighed myself and realised I suddenly gained 1 kg overnight. no kidding. I was devastated and annoyed with the scale. Which explains the chocolate cookies with breakfast and fried fritters with salad for dinner since I do eat when frustrated. However, everything made sense ( boys just stop reading... really) when I started experiencing really bad cramps in the afternoon. OH HAHA its just the usual PMS bloat 1.5 kg of water weight and the chocolate cravings that come with it. AH the joys of being female.

I did however do an hour of yoga this afternoon and the side cramping has totally dissapeared! The power of yoga and stretching is just unexplainable. I felt great after the session.

I followed this video on youtube ( you should totally check her out man! awesome stuff)
Although the cramps are gone I am still suffering from extreme bloating which will be gone only when aunt flo comes to town ( I know abit TMI )
I feel like a whale and I am all swollen and puffy. Uncomfortable.
HAIZ its so demoralising to step on the scale and see an increase instead of a decrease. I mean I know its just temporary water weight and I did not overeat 7000 calories overnight or something. URGH. I am going to not weight myself so often for a week or two or I would prob go crazy. Talk about scale obsession right?


On the upside, I am going to the gym tomorrow with trishta and we are gonna work up a sweat !
Maybe I can sweat out the 1.5kg of water I have gained overnight! I was googling it and it seems to be one of the solutions apart from reducing sodium and drinking more water. lets see how it goes.

alrites then. I should really get to bed soon. sleep = better weight loss
I am so praying hard that I don't gain another 1.5 kg when I open my eyes tomorrow. ( but just in case I am not weighing myself tomorrow)
nites my fellow beautiful curvy ladies ;)

I know where I am going wrong. 
Ive been focused on short cuts but weight loss cannot be achieved by shortcuts.
The yo-yo dieting has done me no good.
After a pretty long hiatus I think I am finally going to do this the right way.
LETS SEE HOW IT GOES ;)
MY NEW MANTRA : FIT BY 20! 
my goal now is to reach my lifetime goal of 50kg by may 4th 2013 which will be my 20th birthday. 

lifelong battle with fat part 2.

In short, My weight has fluctuated throughout the years. My confidence level is depends on my weight. To me my self worth will always ALWAYS be tied to the number I see on the scale. The number makes or breaks my day. If I get tagged in an ugly picture in which I can see my ugly fat arms or my double chin I immediately suffer from a bad mood. I am anxious about my weight and I may be downright paranoid. Everyday day and every mealtime I think of my stomach and thighs. Its a lifelong obsession.

Has anyone else been this way? AM I CRAZY?

I keep thinking one day I will be skinny and this shame I feel will end.
One day I will be pretty.
One day I will be normal.
One day this obsession will be over.


I am tired of feeling this way. I am really exhausted from the anxiety I feel.

My lifelong battle with fat.

For as long as I can remember I have always been fat.
I have never had a flat stomach or a waist that was less than 30 inches in diameter.

My earliest memory of feeling fat was probably in primary 3 when my battle with fat began. I remember wearing yellow winnie the pooh pajamas and staring at the mirror and pinching my stomach and my thunder thighs. I remember wishing for it to be skinnier and felt really sad that my cousins were all skinny and were what I considered 'normal'. I felt disgust and repulsed by my own image in the mirror. All I saw was my bushy eyebrows that joined in the middle and looked like a caterpillar across my forehead. My curly bushy frizzy hair that was beyond control. The pimples that left scars because I pinched them hoping they would disappear. The round pudgy face with a double chin. The lack of angles in my face. The fact that I was really dark and ironically is undesirable in the Indian community despite us being generally darker as a race.

I was even ashamed of my body changing and becoming more curvier if you know what I mean. Lets just say I matured a whole lot faster than my fellow 9 yr old friends. I hated how short I was. I HATED my body. I never told anybody how I felt inside because of the shame. I felt horrible in school. I even convinced myself that all my faults were somehow related to the fats I had. I told myself I was stupid because I cannot make myself look like the taller leaner skinnier girls with straight silky hair.
The worst part was that I had two best friends that were skinny and good looking in m eyes. They played sports and were academically inclined. I felt like a failure. Needless to say I had no self esteem and was paranoid about the way I looked. I lived in shame. I hit 65 kg in Primary 6 itself and was only barely 144 cm tall. I was obese. I ate my feelings of shame away and that was how my binge eating and emotional eating patterns began.

Then I went to secondary school and lost weight and gained confidence. some pictures of the gradual weight loss in sec sch are below.

oh there's worse thks to fb archives

Look at my face and there was a whole lot of baby fats and I HATED HOW I LOOKED STILL. This was taken in sec 2 .

After this I began to lose weight and crash diet.

However, since then the weight has been creeping back. A level stress was unbearable and I started bingeing again. Lack of exercise and eating out of control took its toll on my body.

TO be continued...

Some days are fucked up. pardon the french but its true.
A new job is never easy but I feel like I am slowly adapting to the new workplace and the quirky people that i see everyday. However, I don't think I will be staying here for the full 3 months because I realize I need some time off. I will be going to NUS in august so I need some time to rest and relax first. Kind of regret signing onto this job. Not so much due to the people but now Im just too lazy to work all the way. I wanna go to the gym and spend my days reading again.
Do ABSOLUTELY nothing stressful. yup soon soon. 11 days more till I resign my first job ;)