I have always struggled with not being good enough.
Not having any drive to be the best or even the top few in anything.
I have always felt that being happy is all that mattered and I shouldn't try to be something I am not or do something that is not something I want to do.
Maybe that mindset is wrong. Maybe I should just work towards what ppl think I should work towards. Maybe my goal should be all As and a scholarship etc.
However, it has never been what I want. I am ok with being mediocre. I am fine with getting grades that aren't fantastic but aren't bad either. I am happy not even trying for a scholarship and just taking things easy.
Then Y do I feel such jealousy at other people's success and achievements? Is it because I actually want to excel but I know I can never be good at anything to the point where people notice. Do i stop myself from even trying because I know I will just fail and get hurt again? I am actually not sure but Its something to think about.
March 30, 2012
March 26, 2012
Weight loss on hold once more.
I feel vulnerable and upset. Family issues have made me so mentally weak and stressed out. Looking at my parents, I really cannot believe that true love exists and happy marriages exist. My mother says that she wants me to be settled down by 27 or something like that and I often look at her and say 'y? so that I can also experience the same unhappiness that you did?'
Whats the point of being in a relationship anyways? Is it cause we innately need someone by our side? Is it just a purely sexual need? Is it the need to 'own' somebody and belong to somebody? Why is the notion of a relationship so glamorized and desirable?
I mean how is it that people can fall for each other at the same time? You mean love just happens or does it grow on you slowly and then you just realise its inevitable. I have honestly never been in love. I have had a few so called flings with some guys in secondary school when I was still discovering who I was and what I wanted but it wasn't something true. It was driven by peer pressure and the excitement that comes with the attention. I really liked the attention actually. Made me feel pretty and loved which is awesome for a girl that had been dealing with weight and body issues since she was a child.Obviously these short lived relationships fizzled out eventually as I grew up and gained confidence because they were not fulfilling or mature. I don't regret these experiences though, they were an important part of my early teens and I cherish some of the special moments but I would not label it love. It was just infatuations and a need for attention. I would like to think that I am beyond that stage in my life right now.
Right now, I am rather cynical when it comes to love and boys. I look around at my friends and actually most are happily single. I feel no pressure to date or 'find' someone. Yeah but I am not immune from falling for people , thats just natural. However, I know I am not ready to fully embrace and allow someone else into my life. Maybe one day I will be and maybe I won't but thats something I will never know for sure.
Whats the point of being in a relationship anyways? Is it cause we innately need someone by our side? Is it just a purely sexual need? Is it the need to 'own' somebody and belong to somebody? Why is the notion of a relationship so glamorized and desirable?
I mean how is it that people can fall for each other at the same time? You mean love just happens or does it grow on you slowly and then you just realise its inevitable. I have honestly never been in love. I have had a few so called flings with some guys in secondary school when I was still discovering who I was and what I wanted but it wasn't something true. It was driven by peer pressure and the excitement that comes with the attention. I really liked the attention actually. Made me feel pretty and loved which is awesome for a girl that had been dealing with weight and body issues since she was a child.Obviously these short lived relationships fizzled out eventually as I grew up and gained confidence because they were not fulfilling or mature. I don't regret these experiences though, they were an important part of my early teens and I cherish some of the special moments but I would not label it love. It was just infatuations and a need for attention. I would like to think that I am beyond that stage in my life right now.
Right now, I am rather cynical when it comes to love and boys. I look around at my friends and actually most are happily single. I feel no pressure to date or 'find' someone. Yeah but I am not immune from falling for people , thats just natural. However, I know I am not ready to fully embrace and allow someone else into my life. Maybe one day I will be and maybe I won't but thats something I will never know for sure.
March 22, 2012
Food Poisoning and Fucked up parental drama
I have been suffering from a bad case of food poisoning lately and been out of sorts.
I feel physically exhausted and to add to this my parents are just being assholes at the moment. I just feel like crying and asking them to just seperate and go their own ways. I am just tired of being the middle constantly and no one listens to me and what I have to say because they are just interested in bashing each other and telling me things. I am just an outlet for them to vent their frustrations and they dont seem to notice how affected I am by it.They think I should just listen and support them but its mentally exhausting. On one side I see my poor dad struggling with a black sheep hopeless brother who needs a place to stay. On one side I see my mother stressed and complaining of panic attacks due to my father and his questioning about the money that she has supposedly just spent. I dont know who to believe and honestly feel lost.
The last time I went crazy and did a screaming match with both of them and tried to end it once and for all but then they suddenly became united and said 'oh its normal' 'everyone fights' 'u r just a kid' 'ok we wont talk about it anymore' etc and i got so pissed I did not talk to them for days and they acted like we were one big fucking family and laughed and joked. As time went by I also relented and thought maybe I was just over reacting but here we are again. back to square one. Here I am again, in tears typing away furiously in the middle of the night in pitch darkness.
I am so sick of this... my constantly upset stomach and this drama and my life basically. The tough period of time earlier in the year that totally pissed me off because of how differently my brother and i are treated in the same situation. Then my less than stellar A level grades. My depressing job that I am stuck to (despite the nice colleagues). Now my parents. My life long battle with body image and weight. Everything basically is falling apart. I am falling apart. But then no one cares cuz they are too busy bashing each other.
Its a vicious cycle. Soon they will put on the masks again and pretend to be fine. My dad will drive us around and go grocery shopping with my mum. Go to weddings together and be the perfect couple. They will watch tv and laugh together. Then one month later my dad will use me as a therapist again and my mum will complain and try to get my sympathy again. The sad part is that my dad's obsession with money issues comes from his own parents that were irresponsible. One spent money like she was a billionaire and the other was a flat out drunk. My father worked so hard to support his family since 18 and is anxious about saving and being strict with spending till today. My mother is a rather spoilt only girl child in a family of four children. Her brothers are all relatively well off except for one which is another hushed up family secret. OMG.... honestly all this is being thrown at me full force and I am so over it. IF i made a detailed post out of it.. it would be bloody long.
I feel physically exhausted and to add to this my parents are just being assholes at the moment. I just feel like crying and asking them to just seperate and go their own ways. I am just tired of being the middle constantly and no one listens to me and what I have to say because they are just interested in bashing each other and telling me things. I am just an outlet for them to vent their frustrations and they dont seem to notice how affected I am by it.They think I should just listen and support them but its mentally exhausting. On one side I see my poor dad struggling with a black sheep hopeless brother who needs a place to stay. On one side I see my mother stressed and complaining of panic attacks due to my father and his questioning about the money that she has supposedly just spent. I dont know who to believe and honestly feel lost.
The last time I went crazy and did a screaming match with both of them and tried to end it once and for all but then they suddenly became united and said 'oh its normal' 'everyone fights' 'u r just a kid' 'ok we wont talk about it anymore' etc and i got so pissed I did not talk to them for days and they acted like we were one big fucking family and laughed and joked. As time went by I also relented and thought maybe I was just over reacting but here we are again. back to square one. Here I am again, in tears typing away furiously in the middle of the night in pitch darkness.
I am so sick of this... my constantly upset stomach and this drama and my life basically. The tough period of time earlier in the year that totally pissed me off because of how differently my brother and i are treated in the same situation. Then my less than stellar A level grades. My depressing job that I am stuck to (despite the nice colleagues). Now my parents. My life long battle with body image and weight. Everything basically is falling apart. I am falling apart. But then no one cares cuz they are too busy bashing each other.
Its a vicious cycle. Soon they will put on the masks again and pretend to be fine. My dad will drive us around and go grocery shopping with my mum. Go to weddings together and be the perfect couple. They will watch tv and laugh together. Then one month later my dad will use me as a therapist again and my mum will complain and try to get my sympathy again. The sad part is that my dad's obsession with money issues comes from his own parents that were irresponsible. One spent money like she was a billionaire and the other was a flat out drunk. My father worked so hard to support his family since 18 and is anxious about saving and being strict with spending till today. My mother is a rather spoilt only girl child in a family of four children. Her brothers are all relatively well off except for one which is another hushed up family secret. OMG.... honestly all this is being thrown at me full force and I am so over it. IF i made a detailed post out of it.. it would be bloody long.
March 6, 2012
Only when its out of reach but not out of bounds.
I don't wanna get hurt or get crushed.
I don't wanna lose the solid friendship we share.
But I can't go on pretending that I am fine with just what we are.
Every moment with you now is torture.
I like you but cannot be with you.
I love you but cannot be IN love with you.
I keep trying to prove everybody wrong. Oh we are nothing but I am just trying to lie to myself.
I get mixed signals all the time. I don't know what you want but I had plenty of opportunities to ask you.
Straight out. You told me girls should be more straight forward. I felt like telling you be careful what you wish for.
OMG I am one of THOSE girls. Those pathetic girls that let a guy rule her thoughts and confidence.
OH man... can't believe it. I resolved to never become like this but it still happened to me! I'm sorry that you are kinda perfect. Well For Me.
Ok I am just gonna do it. Whatever the outcome I don't care anymore. Better to have loved and lost then to nvr have loved at all. Just gonna plan and say it as quickly and painlessly as possible. AH damn it SCARY!
I don't wanna lose the solid friendship we share.
But I can't go on pretending that I am fine with just what we are.
Every moment with you now is torture.
I like you but cannot be with you.
I love you but cannot be IN love with you.
I keep trying to prove everybody wrong. Oh we are nothing but I am just trying to lie to myself.
I get mixed signals all the time. I don't know what you want but I had plenty of opportunities to ask you.
Straight out. You told me girls should be more straight forward. I felt like telling you be careful what you wish for.
OMG I am one of THOSE girls. Those pathetic girls that let a guy rule her thoughts and confidence.
OH man... can't believe it. I resolved to never become like this but it still happened to me! I'm sorry that you are kinda perfect. Well For Me.
Ok I am just gonna do it. Whatever the outcome I don't care anymore. Better to have loved and lost then to nvr have loved at all. Just gonna plan and say it as quickly and painlessly as possible. AH damn it SCARY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)