Ways to pass time ...

Honestly, Its getting really mundane and boring. Its just like going to school everyday but even sadder actually and even the bits of excitement here and there cannot compensate for the overriding feeling of boredom I am facing right now. So, i have been forced to find ways to entertain myself when i am free which is a long period of time with just a computer right in front of me.

1) read fashion blogs
personal fave because i like to shop and I like to read about new trends and it gives me something to do at least ;)
2)read food blogs with loads of delicious recipes to try over the weekend and omg the mouthwatering food images!
However, the thing is that if I haven't had lunch or breakfast depeding on what time, I get super hungry and irritable for some reason cause it reminds me of what I could be doing instead with my Post-A's life.
3) read the case files or anything lying around actually! very interesting !
Furthermore, there is a lot of new stuff I don't know that I can search online which at least makes my time productive and fruitful.
4)call a friend
Even if its just a short chat, you will feel so much better from some form of social contact outside the office. Even better if you set up lunch dates with people everyday then at least the first half of the day you will have something to look forward to;)
5)watch all the episode of southpark..
Ok.. this is abit tricky cuz you can only do this when people aren't walking about and can see your screen.
Usually towards the end of the day when I have to wait out an hour or two and people are busy at their places trying to finish up work for the day and tie up loose ends. I only do this when I am totally free with nothing else and don't feel like reading anything anymore for the rest of the day

Yupp my strategy to get thru the dull portions of the day for now. Oh, and I have had NO energy at all to go for a run after a full day of work honestly! I need to run everyday of the christmas long weekend to catch up and get back into weight loss mode. How do people manage to still exercise after work...I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. I think I am going to take a month off in jan from finding work and working and just relax and work on weight loss full time. Maybe even dedicate time to reading leisurely and learning to make savoury pies and quiches. I think its a good plan ;) I feel like maybe i shouldnt have started this internship so early after As and instead later on next yr but its too late to think about that now right? oh well, at least I learnt stuff in these few days and definitely experienced new things that otherwise I would not be able to experience. Another plus to this is that my weird post-A level sleep cycle is back to normal and regular everyday and I can actually fall asleep before 1. I havent been able to do this in months! However, I have a bad feeling that after I leave this place, I will go back to my super screwed up sleeping patterns because I mean if you dont do anything and just rot at home = not tired = late night utube video watching n free to wake up at wadever time i please ;) The ultimate slacker lifestyle that has been well-earned after months of slogging away for As. I can't wait ;) but confirm will get bored out of my mind after Jan so yupp then i'll go look for an easy job ...

The life of an Intern...

 

Its my second day in the office and I must say time passes rather slowly. Yesterday was quite interesting because It was the first day I have ever spent in an office ever and everything seemed new and I met all these different people and also was given tasks to do that kept me busy. I got the chance to read case files with many emails that i filed and summarised. The firm I'm at specialises in maritime law and shipping law so I got to read about how shipment deals go bad leading to arbitration and It involved parties from various regions such as Thailand, Indonesia, India and of course Singapore as well. I also read this 'training agreement' where this company in the UAE was paying for transfer of technological knowledge and process from another company and all the legal conditions that went with the contract. There are so many clauses of conditions about payment or the number of trainers provided to machinery specifics and even equipment involved in the process. Its interesting to me because we learn about technological transfers between companies and mergers in human geog/lit and it gives me hope that mugging all that content for A's might actually end up being useful in the future! 

However, I totally get why my friends who did internships before me and are doing it now are grumbling because 9-5 is really quite tiring even if you are not doing much in the office for some reason. Besides, after A's I have been totally slacking off so getting up early to squeeze my way into a train and spending the day in a cubicle takes a bit of getting used to I guess. Oh! and I found out something really funny - I like the paper smell in the office (My area is opposite the printing/photocopy room)...yeah weird smell preference right?

Oh and my strategy to get through the next few days is to listen to good music while doing the tasks Im given and going to lunch with friends. 

And omg! This lawyer just asked me if I wanna go along to court with her! Hell YEAH! ok.. exciting!! She said we can leave in about 10-15 minutes!  0.0! ok adios people

Out of my comfort zone...

 Ever since I was in primary school and watched legally blond ( i know, dont judge) I wanted to do law and be a 'cool' lawyer. At that time I didnt really know much about the profession other than what I saw on TV but it was a motivating factor that made me study harder and aim higher.
Now I know more about it and I am still interested despite knowing about the negative side of it as well like the stress factor. So, next week I will be starting a job shadowing/intern kind of thing for 2 weeks till the end of the year(30th December) at a law firm (Haridass Ho and partners) and I am nervous about it. I really do not know what to expect and its rather nerve wrecking to go to such an environment alone and get to know people that I have never met before and probably have nothing much in common with. I hate social awkwardness and I am so afraid that I will stick out like a sore thumb and get in the way of things. I should be excited about it since Its an opportunity that doesn't come often but the nervousness is definitely in the way of that. I guess I just have to go in with an open mind and just observe the inner workings of the firm and learn as much as possible about the life of a lawyer. I really do not know if my A level results are good enough for UQ law which is where I wanna go to for UNI but fingers crossed and I remain hopeful about it. Besides its a bit too early to start worrying about results yet. I'll start worrying about it and obsessing about it when it gets nearer to March! Anyway, its not even the new year yet so I have plenty of time.I really want the rest of the year to pass by quickly and I have a good feeling that 2012 will be a year of self discovery and growth. 2011 being the A level year was tough but enjoyable at the same time and I will have good memories from this year.

bingeing to cope with emotions.

My name is Rubini and I am an emotional eater.
Lately life has been rather tough emotionally as I am not good with changes. I associate change with hardship and separation which makes me very anxious. When i get super anxious I deal with it by eating. Well I guess its better than cutting which I engaged in when I was in lower secondary in secret. I was very depressed and when It was found out I had to switch to something less obvious and dangerous. Besides, My binge eating episodes started in primary school when I was heaviest and had super low self esteem as well. I would eat huge amounts of junk food in a matter of minutes and it would make me feel so good for that period of time. All I needed to get away from the troubles was cheese balls and Lays. However, it was just a vicious cycle where i grew fatter with worse skin and I felt worse.

In secondary school, I lost weight and was still suffering from anxiety but instead of food, i turned to cutting. Yupp, those were my darkest days and my parents until now don't know much about it. Sec 1 was very very tough on me due to a draconian form teacher who made my life a living hell(which is y Ms k doesnt scare me at all). The cutting didnt last very long but the mechanism was still the same as binging... the guilt and the pain just in different forms. The feeling of not being good enough. Living a lie of happiness in school while I got home and cried myself to sleep.Things are much better now and I am not in that place again(thk god) but after As I feel myself slipping back into that which is scary.


JC was also a very tough new change for me. J1 was just an emotional roller-coaster of sorts and I remember feeling so lonely. Its the kind of loneliness that made me go a little crazy and act weirdly. I complained and whined about why my life was so bad and miserable to whomever would listen and be sympathetic. I started gaining weight in j1 because of this because obviously all the anxiety lead me to binge eat again. I don't normally eat much especially in school because sometimes i just know that when I got home, i will binge and i will eat to soothe the emptiness i felt. It was worst actually because I had almost no friends that I could share anything personal with, everything was just superficial.

So, naturally, now that As are over, a new change in my life is inevitable and the anxiety comes back. I find myself once more crying for no reason and feeling very lost.I don't feel like I am good enough for anything and now that I don't have academics to distract me any longer I seem to be slipping back into a dark place. I mean I feel like i didn't do well for As and the thought of results and the future makes me panic.What the hell is the rest of my life gonna be like? Its so uncertain and Its making me crazy. So, my eating is also out of control now. I barely eat anything at all and then I binge and the cycle repeats... At least I exercise but I feel so out of control that I don't even think about weight loss as much as i should.


heh... this became a very weird post where i basically poured out everything. OMG... haiz i guess its better to talk about it rather than keep it all in. Maybe someone else has gone through the same thing and maybe I'm not that crazy after all.

I just wanna be ok be ok be ok...i just wanna be ok today

Today i feel like those grey dudes above.
I ended my A levels about 11 days ago only and yet I already feel so lost and directionless. There seems
to be this sense of restlessness that has taken over me and Its a very weird feeling. I almost wish all I had to think about was holiday homework and heading off to another year of school life. But no! That part of my life seems to be over for now and that scares me a great deal. My whole life has been about school and even Post-Os i knew that in a few months there will be JC and I knew what exactly I was going to do in the future but now Its totally different. I don't know what I want in life and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am in a reverie and all I do is go out and learn driving theory and thats keeping me busy but there is always this question in the back of my mind - how long am I going to go on like this? Whats next? What do you wanna do?

At this point I don't know if I still wanna do law? or do journalism? or what?
Or is it too early to think about it at all?
I feel some sort of anxiety about the next few months of my life. ARGH!
I am so not ready for all this life changing decisions and should be enjoying myself now.
Don't get me wrong... i do enjoy running and cooking healthy meals
and watching dramas and going out - but it gets old and boring really quick.

HAIZ... IM TOTALLY RANTING...

yupp still here but abit distracted ...

yupp still here but been rather distracted from weight loss for the moment... with all the movie watching... going out and all that... sigh!

Anyways, fully recovered from that horrid bout of flu/fever and ready to get back on track tomorrow after a brief absence. Tomorrow im meeting Trista for lunch and probably will walk around with her for abit and then i'll go back home,change and go for a run ;)


Its ok to take a breather but must get back on track ASAP. I'm also thinking of food blogging to keep track of what i eat. Alrite exhausted. good night peeps.

back again after fighting viruses for the past 3.5 days

Yes. Everybody that's just how i look right now. Totally un-glam and just plain miserable. However, on the bright side the fever has finally broken and now I can stop popping Paracetamol like an addict. I'm so serious! Just to get through my bio MCQ paper despite the doctor's suggestion that i should go to the A&E and just do it in the hospital, i took 8 Panadols from 12am to 1pm before leaving for school. Even then, although the fever was lowered to about 38 which allows me to be more comfortable, i could barely think at all. All i could think about was my comfy bed and my throbbing head. It was the worst A level paper I have done so far but well it was really a test of my strength and the drugs helped a whole lot. Its kind of funny how my book covered desk has been transformed into a pharmacy !


Although the whole experience was rough, (no sleep..no food..no water - throw me in the sahara desert and can start a charity for me) I learnt afew things.

 How much my parents and grandma love me.
yeah yeah... I'm a typical slam door and one word reply teenager but omg this week has made me so thankful for my parents and grandma.My mum fought with her superior to take leave to take care of me when my fever hit 40 which is pretty dangerous apparently and slept with me every night and thus never got any sleep at all. My dad also woke up at 2,3,4AM in the morning when my fever peaked to about 40 to ice my head while my mum got some sleep before work the next day.They worked like a well-oiled team to take care of their 18 yr old that needed them.Although I always shout 'IM 18 and next year I wont even be here' to declare my independence when we get into fights, at those moments when I was scared,weak and shivering with my eyes rolling back, them being there was so comforting. It almost was like I was a child again suddenly and yeah very intense at that moment. I also now regret mocking my grandma and being annoyed at her because despite being old and vulnerable to viruses, she didnt care and constantly told me funny stories and made me laugh.

OKOK, enough mushy stuff! yeah , I may be getting a bit drama but I really feel like the sickness was a blessing in disguise because it brought the family(except my brother...shakes head)much closer together. Yeah my brother is immature and did not even look at me throughout the few days and just continued with his life and did not even say 'get well akka'. I don't expect him to even care much but I am worried that our relationship is gone for good and I may have lost connection with my only sibling whom i used to be close to.That saddens me greatly and I guess I have to slowly work on that during this break. ;(

Another thing that happened was that when i was using facebook to get my mind off the fever, an old friend called Maga from secondary school gave me advice on weight loss and i really appreciated it.
Sometimes we get help from places we don't expect from and it feels nice to know that despite my behavior towards her in secondary school, we can sort of move past it.I have changed quite a lot in JC and have become a lot more mellow and i dunno ZEN? Looking back now, i regret things i did and said in secondary school but at that time I guess I was caught up in the moment. I will be changing my routine towards just more cardio instead of doing cardio and strength. Will also be working on running which i have never been able to do but I now have all the time in the world to build up my stamina slowly. (using maga's advice - she is an awesome competitive runner and has the medals to prove it)

Alrite , i can feel the cough mixture kicking in so I am not even gonna edit... bye ;)