bingeing to cope with emotions.

My name is Rubini and I am an emotional eater.
Lately life has been rather tough emotionally as I am not good with changes. I associate change with hardship and separation which makes me very anxious. When i get super anxious I deal with it by eating. Well I guess its better than cutting which I engaged in when I was in lower secondary in secret. I was very depressed and when It was found out I had to switch to something less obvious and dangerous. Besides, My binge eating episodes started in primary school when I was heaviest and had super low self esteem as well. I would eat huge amounts of junk food in a matter of minutes and it would make me feel so good for that period of time. All I needed to get away from the troubles was cheese balls and Lays. However, it was just a vicious cycle where i grew fatter with worse skin and I felt worse.

In secondary school, I lost weight and was still suffering from anxiety but instead of food, i turned to cutting. Yupp, those were my darkest days and my parents until now don't know much about it. Sec 1 was very very tough on me due to a draconian form teacher who made my life a living hell(which is y Ms k doesnt scare me at all). The cutting didnt last very long but the mechanism was still the same as binging... the guilt and the pain just in different forms. The feeling of not being good enough. Living a lie of happiness in school while I got home and cried myself to sleep.Things are much better now and I am not in that place again(thk god) but after As I feel myself slipping back into that which is scary.


JC was also a very tough new change for me. J1 was just an emotional roller-coaster of sorts and I remember feeling so lonely. Its the kind of loneliness that made me go a little crazy and act weirdly. I complained and whined about why my life was so bad and miserable to whomever would listen and be sympathetic. I started gaining weight in j1 because of this because obviously all the anxiety lead me to binge eat again. I don't normally eat much especially in school because sometimes i just know that when I got home, i will binge and i will eat to soothe the emptiness i felt. It was worst actually because I had almost no friends that I could share anything personal with, everything was just superficial.

So, naturally, now that As are over, a new change in my life is inevitable and the anxiety comes back. I find myself once more crying for no reason and feeling very lost.I don't feel like I am good enough for anything and now that I don't have academics to distract me any longer I seem to be slipping back into a dark place. I mean I feel like i didn't do well for As and the thought of results and the future makes me panic.What the hell is the rest of my life gonna be like? Its so uncertain and Its making me crazy. So, my eating is also out of control now. I barely eat anything at all and then I binge and the cycle repeats... At least I exercise but I feel so out of control that I don't even think about weight loss as much as i should.


heh... this became a very weird post where i basically poured out everything. OMG... haiz i guess its better to talk about it rather than keep it all in. Maybe someone else has gone through the same thing and maybe I'm not that crazy after all.