Things will happen when they are meant to happen.

Okay been exercising and eating farely well and down to 66.3kg Haiz seriously one step forward 3 leaps back. Thats what it feels like but for now I am just happy with the downward trend.

My life is still chaotic and I am really nervous about the whole uni application process right now. I got a call on thursday evening at about 5 pm notifying me that I have been shortlisted for SMU social sciences interview which was really surprising cause I applied 2 days before the dateline for applications as I had been procrastinating for SMU app. I was randomly walking into the workplace pantry to get a drink and talked to ZH who was packing ice packs for the medicine when i checked my phone expecting some whatsapps and msgs as per normal and noticed a misscall from an unknown number. I didnt want to get my hopes up and shrugged it off as a wrong number call but called back anyways. My heart skipped a beat when i heard 'good afternoon, this is smu' or smth like that and I gave them my name. Oh and I totally laughed when they told me my interview wld be on friday the 13th. Just my luck eh. ( pun totally intended)

I guess this gives me some hope that SOMEONE wants me as a student because I was starting to think about applying overseas just in case. I mean everyone seems to be getting admission letters left and right and posting pics of the acceptances on fb and I keep looking at them and going 'oh my god no one wants me isit?'

Well, now its time for me to walk into the interview and seal the deal. Everyone tells me its very gp-ish and that makes me feel confident because GP was something I was pretty good at and gives me some hope. ahh well I just need to keep calm and do what I do best. Talk.

Oh and I am gonna hit the gym after work from now on if I dont have plans after work. I am gonna bring along my gym bag n stuff with me to work so that I dont make excuses once I reach home and see my bed. WISH me luck peeps ;)

URGHHH weight gain ;(

 

I am honestly shocked at my weight gain of 4 kg just in the past 2 months. The two months of drama and distraction have really taken a toll on my weight loss plans. I cannot even type out the weight because I am so ashamed of it. 68 kg... yupp Its going up despite me being on my feet and walking about the whole day. Good job body you managed to store more fats even when I am active and exhausted each day. WOW really I wonder if there is something really wrong with me. I mean how can it even be possible when I am not binging or overeating and always cautious of what I put into my body. This has got to stop.  period.

NEW GYM BAG!

The best way to motivate yourself to hit the gym and work out is to get cute gym apparel. A cute gym bag and cute attire not only gives you a reason to go to the gym, it also makes u feel better when working out. I mean it really doesnt matter if you wear cute workout clothes or old school p.e. shirts and fbt shorts but come on looking good is always nice. Therefore, in my quest to lose 4 kg before my 19th birthday , which is exactly one month away, I bought myself a huge spacious cotton on barrel bag in a fun orange color to use as a barrel bag. I think I am going to go do a fitness wear haul blogpost soon. Might as well right? HAHA ;)

OK I have been ultra busy with all the university applications and yada yada. Not to mention the full time job that is very demanding. So right now I am just trying my best to keep moving throughout the day and doing some random sit ups and lunges at home after work. NOT ENOUGH I know but I am working on it.

I feel like in order to lose weight you need to obsess abit about it. Plan your life around it I guess. It is so hard to stick to.

Disappointment.

I have always struggled with not being good enough.
Not having any drive to be the best or even the top few in anything.
I have always felt that being happy is all that mattered and I shouldn't try to be something I am not or do something that is not something I want to do. 
Maybe that mindset is wrong. Maybe I should just work towards what ppl think I should work towards. Maybe my goal should be all As and a  scholarship etc. 
However, it has never been what I want. I am ok with being mediocre. I am fine with getting grades that aren't fantastic but aren't bad either. I am happy not even trying for a scholarship and just taking things easy. 

Then Y do I feel such jealousy at other people's success and achievements?  Is it because I actually want to excel but I know I can never be good at anything to the point where people notice. Do i stop myself from even trying because I know I will just fail and get hurt again? I am actually not sure but Its something to think about.

 

Weight loss on hold once more.

I feel vulnerable and upset. Family issues have made me so mentally weak and stressed out. Looking at my parents, I really cannot believe that true love exists and happy marriages exist. My mother says that she wants me to be settled down by 27 or something like that and I often look at her and say 'y? so that I can also experience the same unhappiness that you did?'

Whats the point of being in a relationship anyways? Is it cause we innately need someone by our side? Is it just a purely sexual need? Is it the need to 'own' somebody and belong to somebody? Why is the notion of a relationship so glamorized and desirable?

I mean how is it that people can fall for each other at the same time? You mean love just happens or does it grow on you slowly and then you just realise its inevitable. I have honestly never been in love. I have had a few so called flings with some guys in secondary school when I was still discovering who I was and what I wanted but it wasn't something true. It was driven by peer pressure and the excitement that comes with the attention. I really liked the attention actually. Made me feel pretty and loved which is awesome for a girl that had been dealing with weight and body issues since she was a child.Obviously these short lived relationships fizzled out eventually as I grew up and gained confidence because they were not fulfilling or mature. I don't regret these experiences though, they were an important part of my early teens and I cherish some of the special moments but I would not label it love. It was just infatuations and a need for attention. I would like to think that I am beyond that stage in my life right now.

Right now, I am rather cynical when it comes to love and boys. I look around at my friends and actually most are happily single. I feel no pressure to date or 'find' someone. Yeah but I am not immune from falling for people , thats just natural. However, I know I am not ready to fully embrace and allow someone else into my life. Maybe one day I will be and maybe I won't but thats something I will never know for sure.

Food Poisoning and Fucked up parental drama

I have been suffering from a bad case of food poisoning lately and been out of sorts.
I feel physically exhausted and to add to this my parents are just being assholes at the moment. I just feel like crying and asking them to just seperate and go their own ways. I am just tired of being the middle constantly and no one listens to me and what I have to say because they are just interested in bashing each other and telling me things. I am just an outlet for them to vent their frustrations and they dont seem to notice how affected I am by it.They think I should just listen and support them but its mentally exhausting. On one side I see my poor dad struggling with a black sheep hopeless brother who needs a place to stay. On one side I see my mother stressed and complaining of panic attacks due to my father and his questioning about the money that she has supposedly just spent. I dont know who to believe and honestly feel lost.

The last time I went crazy and did a screaming match with both of them and tried to end it once and for all but then they suddenly became united and said 'oh its normal' 'everyone fights' 'u r just a kid' 'ok we wont talk about it anymore' etc and i got so pissed I did not talk to them for days and they acted like we were one big fucking family and laughed and joked. As time went by I also relented and thought maybe I was just over reacting but here we are again. back to square one. Here I am again, in tears typing away furiously in the middle of the night in pitch darkness.

I am so sick of this... my constantly upset stomach and this drama and my life basically. The tough period of time earlier in the year that totally pissed me off because of how differently my brother and i are treated in the same situation. Then my less than stellar A level grades. My depressing job that I am stuck to (despite the nice colleagues). Now my parents. My life long battle with body image and weight. Everything basically is falling apart. I am falling apart. But then no one cares cuz they are too busy bashing each other.

Its a vicious cycle. Soon they will put on the masks again and pretend to be fine. My dad will drive us around and go grocery shopping with my mum. Go to weddings together and be the perfect couple. They will watch tv and laugh together. Then one month later my dad will use me as a therapist again and my mum will complain and try to get my sympathy again. The sad part is that my dad's obsession with money issues comes from his own parents that were irresponsible. One spent money like she was a billionaire and the other was a flat out drunk. My father worked so hard to support his family since 18 and is anxious about saving and being strict with spending till today. My mother is a rather spoilt only girl child in a family of four children. Her brothers are all relatively well off except for one which is another hushed up family secret. OMG.... honestly all this is being thrown at me full force and I am so over it. IF i made a detailed post out of it.. it would be bloody long.

Only when its out of reach but not out of bounds.

I don't wanna get hurt or get crushed.
I don't wanna lose the solid friendship we share.
But I can't go on pretending that I am fine with just what we are.
Every moment with you now is torture. 
I like you but cannot be with you.
I love you but cannot be IN love with you.

I keep trying to prove everybody wrong. Oh we are nothing but I am just trying to lie to myself.
I get mixed signals all the time. I don't know what you want but I had plenty of opportunities to ask you.
Straight out. You told me girls should be more straight forward. I felt like telling you be careful what you wish for. 

OMG I am one of THOSE girls. Those pathetic girls that let a guy rule her thoughts and confidence.
OH man... can't believe it. I resolved to never become like this but it still happened to me! I'm sorry that you are kinda perfect. Well For Me. 

Ok I am just gonna do it. Whatever the outcome I don't care anymore. Better to have loved and lost then to nvr have loved at all. Just gonna plan and say it as quickly and painlessly as possible. AH damn it SCARY!