OK so I just started work at SGH pharmacy and Its a really good job. It involves alot of walking around and basically I am on my feet all day and keeps me active. The main thing I do is walk around looking for appropriate medicines on the shelves and measure out according to the patient's prescription and pack them into these baskets that will be then checked by pharmacists before being finally dispensed out to patients. It requires some getting used to cuz the medicine are all in different places and stuff like vaccines require proper handling like packing in ice etc.Its an interesting first job and It makes the days go by really quickly because we are all constantly doing something and basically really busy. Omg by the time I get home, my feet hurt and I just wanna eat my dinner watch some tv and get to sleep before waking up to the next work day. It also keeps me sane I guess because you know when you are working hard and busy you don't have the time and energy to mope around like a sad ole puppy. I am on leave tomorrow to settle some personal business that has been causing me a whole load of stress and hopefully after tomorrow I can go on with my life as usual.
I feel like the whole of january just whooshed past me but it was a good month. I really got to relax and just spend my time leisurely. I managed to schedule and pass my Basic Theory Test and now this coming friday I will be going for my first ever practical driving lesson. Kinda worried that since its after work, I would be way to tired to concentrate and I don't wanna waste the lesson time since its so expensive you know. Hopefully I get through it properly and ITS SO EXCITING. I don't really know what to expect really. I also did some relief teaching in january and that was another interesting experience and the students were really cute and funny.It was nice to be back in a school environment - my comfort zone. There's something really nice and safe about seeing uniforms and hearing school bells. And of course lastly, I secured myself a job ! that ended up being pretty good especially since I have my good friend zhuang hua working with me. Not to mention my mum afew feet away although we don't really see each other often. AH WELL. Yeah besides the personal problem that ive been facing recently, January has been a good month. Hopefully February will be a better month and I can work on getting happier and more confident.
January 30, 2012
January 25, 2012
Honesty
Ok guys lets be honest. We all have had a rough patch in our lives and took it as a way out of facing the everyday duties and responsibilities we have. I have been doing that since Thursday. Just because things had gotten abit rough, I almost gave up and stopped working out like I should and honestly ate crap. Feel crappy and ate crap and felt even crappier to be honest. I am back to my normal non-depressive state now and more sensible now. Time to get back on the horse and fight on. So.. I am starting a One month mental and physical challenge. I start work on this thursday so I am going to start the challenge on that day till February the 26th. The rules I will be following.
1) at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday including after work
2) proper meals everyday and no fast food
3) drink loads of water
4) No shopping for shoes/clothes/makeup/nailpolish etc - (I HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM)
I am really trying to make a real change for a month. Giving up things I love to do.. cough.sho.p.cough.mac.cough.f21
Lets just see how it goes. But in the mean time I am going to shop one last day tmrw and pamper myself like crazy
1) at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday including after work
2) proper meals everyday and no fast food
3) drink loads of water
4) No shopping for shoes/clothes/makeup/nailpolish etc - (I HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM)
I am really trying to make a real change for a month. Giving up things I love to do.. cough.sho.p.cough.mac.cough.f21
Lets just see how it goes. But in the mean time I am going to shop one last day tmrw and pamper myself like crazy
January 23, 2012
sunrise
Time to look up and try harder to look at the positive side of life. Every time I get back into that dark dark place where everything seems to be bleak and depressing. I gotta get back outta it. I need to try to snap outta it now. However, there is still something going on now that is constantly getting me down. Its not going anywhere till thursday so its really hard for me right now. But I'm trying
January 20, 2012
I just wanna be ok..be ok.. be..ok
Perfect song for the rough times I am going through right now. I am apologetic and really regret it but its too late for it now and I have no choice but to face the real world consequences. Oh man, I would give anything to go back in time and never do it but in all honesty I never thought it was wrong at all! I am not a stupid rebellious teen looking for trouble. I'm the hardworking honest kid that parents don't have to worry about. I am independent and never cause any trouble. I am that kid that has coasted through life pretty smoothly. I never thought that one simple moment .. one careless mistake could lead to such a hoo-ha. I am pretty sure people have done much worse and said much worse. I don't understand how it was offensive or wrong. I really didnt mean any harm and now I feel so insecure. I feel watched and very constricted. I really dunno what is wrong and right to say and do anymore. Everything can be misinterpreted and I can be accused of things I didn't mean to do. I am just an 18 yr old that didn't know any better I guess. Haiz, times like this I wish I had a 'god' or some divine presence to turn to that would give me some hope. I need some hope that things would settle down.
The Mask
© Kasi
I’m great, fine, spectacular. In a way
I relish every night, and I live every day.
I live, I laugh, I write, I sing,
I wonder what the new days will bring.
Then I get home, and I take off the mask.
The day, and almost impossible task,
Is finally over, and so I lie Down,
and wait patiently for the day that I die.
I cry, I scream, I bawl, and sleep,
even though I have promises to keep.
I wait, and wonder, and cry some more,
And I ache and burn from my very core.
Then, I’m not alone, and the mask reappears:
Out goes the grief, pain and all of the tears,
As I am a happy person, cheerful all the day.
A world full of rainbow, not one shade of grey.
Of course I’m not okay, I’m not fine,
No matter how much I seem to shine.
I don’t even know why I feel this...
Why my existence is one long, endless abyss.
But it is, and will be, so I cling to life,
As one day I might slip, and end it with a knife.
But, I’m still here, no matter what my dreams might say
And I hope that one day I will actually be okay.
I relish every night, and I live every day.
I live, I laugh, I write, I sing,
I wonder what the new days will bring.
Then I get home, and I take off the mask.
The day, and almost impossible task,
Is finally over, and so I lie Down,
and wait patiently for the day that I die.
I cry, I scream, I bawl, and sleep,
even though I have promises to keep.
I wait, and wonder, and cry some more,
And I ache and burn from my very core.
Then, I’m not alone, and the mask reappears:
Out goes the grief, pain and all of the tears,
As I am a happy person, cheerful all the day.
A world full of rainbow, not one shade of grey.
Of course I’m not okay, I’m not fine,
No matter how much I seem to shine.
I don’t even know why I feel this...
Why my existence is one long, endless abyss.
But it is, and will be, so I cling to life,
As one day I might slip, and end it with a knife.
But, I’m still here, no matter what my dreams might say
And I hope that one day I will actually be okay.
Inside Out
© Angie Flores
Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.
Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.
Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.
Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.
Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.
Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.
Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.
Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.
Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.
What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,
What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine.
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.
Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.
Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.
Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.
Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.
Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.
Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.
Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.
Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.
What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,
What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine.
Source: Inside Out, Depression Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/inside-out#ixzz1jvjZq86d
Family Friend Poems
Tough times
This morning I had a very emotional dream and woke up crying. It had something to do with family and me doing something really stupid and isolating myself. I shrugged it off and was just happy that it was a dream. Today was fun until something happened and ruined my day. Past few days have been really fun and enjoyable! I really thought that finally I was accomplishing something by passing my BTT and successfully getting a job. I was looking forward to wadever new experiences and was on a exercise regiment. I was happy until it happened.
Its like no matter what whatever happiness I experience will be short lived and something will go wrong. I just want a normal life with not much drama. Is that too much to ask for? I can do no right and my life is actually quite screwed up. On the outside I am an average Jc graduate who has been sort of average her whole life. Happy go lucky and always joking around with people. However, the truth is I am rather lonely and unhappy. From simple things like a lack of strong connections with family. I see people who share deep and strong connections with cousins and I feel like Its something I will never have. I am so distant from them and always felt like an outsider for many reasons. One side of my family I see about once a yr during deepavali and the other side is full of family problems and my mum never really facilitated interactions with them and I suspect its due to her own issues and prejudices. I wish at least I could have gotten to know them better when I was younger and then now I am also abit of an outsider to them.When I go to my aunt's house on my dad's side my mum and dad will not accompany me because of their own selfish reasons. It makes everything really awkward.
My immediate family is also screwed up. Everyone used to get along but now no one can even stand to be in the same room together. Not to mention the weird stage my brother's at which makes me feel really depressed because my brother used to be my best friend and now he constantly curses and swears at me. He only screams or yells at me and smses me vulgarities. I seriously don't know where that younger brother who played 'fortress' with me in the bedrooms with pillows and bolsters went. At least if he was still close to me I wouldnt feel so alone in this world. My brother's transformation has affected me alot more than people realise.
After As all the friends are also scattered everywhere working or wadever and I don't see them often and honestly I don't have many good friends that I still want to keep in touch with from JC. Even my bestfriends - one is retained and busy with school and the other is just gonna move to india in march/april. Yeah I don't really show how it affects me to people but I feel like everything is just crumbling and I have no support.At least when I had school, I was busy but now that I don't have work to focus on I feel like my life is so empty and cold. There really is a sense that I don't have anything at all.
The stupidest part of it all is that I feel all these things but I am not the type of person that will confide in someone. I always have this need to maintain this happy bubbly picture during the day and put on a strong facade in front of people. Then go home and cry once everybody has fallen asleep. Since for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and see the real thing behind the stupid jokes and smiles.
Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy.
Its like no matter what whatever happiness I experience will be short lived and something will go wrong. I just want a normal life with not much drama. Is that too much to ask for? I can do no right and my life is actually quite screwed up. On the outside I am an average Jc graduate who has been sort of average her whole life. Happy go lucky and always joking around with people. However, the truth is I am rather lonely and unhappy. From simple things like a lack of strong connections with family. I see people who share deep and strong connections with cousins and I feel like Its something I will never have. I am so distant from them and always felt like an outsider for many reasons. One side of my family I see about once a yr during deepavali and the other side is full of family problems and my mum never really facilitated interactions with them and I suspect its due to her own issues and prejudices. I wish at least I could have gotten to know them better when I was younger and then now I am also abit of an outsider to them.When I go to my aunt's house on my dad's side my mum and dad will not accompany me because of their own selfish reasons. It makes everything really awkward.
My immediate family is also screwed up. Everyone used to get along but now no one can even stand to be in the same room together. Not to mention the weird stage my brother's at which makes me feel really depressed because my brother used to be my best friend and now he constantly curses and swears at me. He only screams or yells at me and smses me vulgarities. I seriously don't know where that younger brother who played 'fortress' with me in the bedrooms with pillows and bolsters went. At least if he was still close to me I wouldnt feel so alone in this world. My brother's transformation has affected me alot more than people realise.
After As all the friends are also scattered everywhere working or wadever and I don't see them often and honestly I don't have many good friends that I still want to keep in touch with from JC. Even my bestfriends - one is retained and busy with school and the other is just gonna move to india in march/april. Yeah I don't really show how it affects me to people but I feel like everything is just crumbling and I have no support.At least when I had school, I was busy but now that I don't have work to focus on I feel like my life is so empty and cold. There really is a sense that I don't have anything at all.
The stupidest part of it all is that I feel all these things but I am not the type of person that will confide in someone. I always have this need to maintain this happy bubbly picture during the day and put on a strong facade in front of people. Then go home and cry once everybody has fallen asleep. Since for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and see the real thing behind the stupid jokes and smiles.
Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy.
January 14, 2012
THE 5K RUNNER APP program week 1 day 2/3
Ok so this week i swam on monday and tuesday for an hour in a deserted public pool cuz you know not many people are free to go swim randomly on a weekday at 2pm;) HAHA it was kinda weird to get back into swimming after such a long time! The last time I went swimming was when I was still living in symphony heights ;( Damn I miss that pool with no kpo lifeguards. Ok well I just don't like the feeling of being 'spyed' on in the pool although they are there to guard your safety but yeah still don't like it.
Unfortunately when I got back home after swimming on tuesday, my shoulders and upper arms hurt like a bitch! Seriously could not even move and I took painkillers and went to sleep. I have never gotten aches from swimming before ! Its so low impact and I didnt really push myself so the pain was so unexpected.
So obviously i decided to rest on wednesday and not do anything. i DONT THINK I'LL BE SWIMMING MUCH AGAIN. The experience totally put me off it.
Thursday I started the second day of the 5k app and only covered 2.53 km according to the imapmyrun app but well its a start I guess. Better than nothing and i'm so out of shape anyways. Friday I was so lazy that I did not do anything at all! I just sat at home and watched movies and dramas.. u know lazing about.
Today however, I made nandan call me up at 8 AM SO that i can wake up eat breakfast and wait awhile before running. LOL TOTAL FAIL! We were both supposed to go run/jog wadever at 8AM but she called me and said she was too tired ( she had dance the day before) and I was so groggy i said bye and went back to sleep and woke up again at 12ish. I ate lunch and read my book while downloading Jillian Michaels podcasts!! omg that woman is so friggin motivating!! I can listen to her even when i'm dying during a jog and be motivated! No nonsense trainer! I hope tomorrow I can drag my butt to go for another jog . OH and the program works! in the same period of time, i ran 3.56 km instead of the previous distance of 2.53km on thursday! yay! If this thing keeps working, maybe the goal is to run a 5K in 30 mins by my birthday ;) I have never been a runner and i remember my 2.4 timings itself was 20 minutes plus so yeah that would be just amazing! Ok for some people that find 2.4 to be nothing much you wouldnt understand but my fellow 2.4 failers will be able to understand how big a deal it is ;)
;) Exercise is so much more fun with apps to calculate stuff for you and it makes it abit more entertaining I guess ;) Its a must try for fellow weight losers because it makes life so much easier.
January 7, 2012
Are you a J2 student this year who has struggled consistently with GP?
Yearning for some improvement and need help ?
THEN LOOK NO FURTHER!
I am an ex-SAJC student willing and able to tutor current JC students in GP for a small fee. GP is not a boring tedious subject if you have the right tools and techniques. I have a real passion for the subject and believe that anyone with the right guidance can excel in it! I have consistently been above the 95th percentile for GP during my JC years and I can help you improve as well. I am willing to provide home tuition around the West Area of Singapore and other areas as well depending on where you live. I am also willing to take up groups of students up to a maximum of 4 ppl per 1 hr session and it would be a lower charge per hr in a grp setting. I would focus on Essay writing and AQ as these areas are easier to improve in a shorter amount of time.
basic fees (negotiable)
*group session (up to 4 ppl only) : $15/hr (each person)
individual : $20/hr
If you want to contact me please email me at rubinipi@gmail.com or sms me at 91372037
January 5, 2012
i'm Back ;)
I have had some trouble sticking to the running thing because I find it incredibly hard to keep at day after day! I think I need some sort of easing into instead of just jogging anyhow everyday without pacing or anything.
I was telling this to someone and they suggested that I try the couch to 5k program and i downloaded the iphone app to try. It instructs you when to run/walk and the intensity slowly increases over 8 weeks to make you run a 5k happily.
yeah i just said 5k and happy in the same sentence 0.o'
Anyways, I am excited for the new year and everything that I get to do this year ;)
My resolution is to get my driver's license this year ! Oh and of course to get myself settled into some uni in a good course of my choice ;)
Yeah I know that Its expected to say weight loss should be my GOAL but its not something for 2012! Its a life goal, it doesnt end or start with this year and Its lifelong so I feel its not right to say 'OH its 2012, ok time to lose weight yippee!'. NO! its a choice that is beyond just the start of a new year.
Oh and I'm basically relaxing and taking things easy in Jan and basically gonna do nothing for the rest of the month and then get back to doing something productive and earn some money maybe?
Yay .. more time to focus on the weight loss I guess. But i feel like I am starting over almost after the diet bashing holiday and vacation time full of buffets and unhealthy food basically. sigh
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