Tough times

This morning I had a very emotional dream and woke up crying. It had something to do with family and me doing something really stupid and isolating myself. I shrugged it off and was just happy that it was a dream. Today was fun until something happened and ruined my day. Past few days have been really fun and enjoyable! I really thought that finally I was accomplishing something by passing my BTT and successfully getting a job. I was looking forward to wadever new experiences and was on a exercise regiment. I was happy until it happened.


Its like no matter what whatever happiness I experience will be short lived and something will go wrong. I just want a normal life with not much drama. Is that too much to ask for? I can do no right and my life is actually quite screwed up. On the outside I am an average Jc graduate who has been sort of average her whole life. Happy go lucky and always joking around with people. However, the truth is I am rather lonely and unhappy. From simple things like a lack of strong connections with family. I see people who share deep and strong connections with cousins and I feel like Its something I will never have. I am so distant from them and always felt like an outsider for many reasons. One side of my family I see about once a yr during deepavali and the other side is full of family problems and my mum never really facilitated interactions with them and I suspect its due to her own issues and prejudices. I wish at least I could have gotten to know them better when I was younger and then now I am also abit of an outsider to them.When I go to my aunt's house on my dad's side my mum and dad will not accompany me because of their own selfish reasons. It makes everything really awkward.

My immediate family is also screwed up. Everyone used to get along but now no one can even stand to be in the same room together. Not to mention the weird stage my brother's at which makes me feel really depressed because my brother used to be my best friend and now he constantly curses and swears at me. He only screams or yells at me and smses me vulgarities. I seriously don't know where that younger brother who played 'fortress' with me in the bedrooms with pillows and bolsters went. At least if he was still close to me I wouldnt feel so alone in this world. My brother's transformation has affected me alot more than people realise.

After As all the friends are also scattered everywhere working or wadever and I don't see them often and honestly I don't have many good friends that I still want to keep in touch with from JC. Even my bestfriends - one is retained and busy with school and the other is just gonna move to india in march/april. Yeah I don't really show how it affects me to people but I feel like everything is just crumbling and I have no support.At least when I had school, I was busy but now that I don't have work to focus on I feel like my life is so empty and cold. There really is a sense that I don't have anything at all.


The stupidest part of it all is that I feel all these things but I am not the type of person that will confide in someone. I always have this need to maintain this happy bubbly picture during the day and put on a strong facade in front of people. Then go home and cry once everybody has fallen asleep. Since for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and see the real thing behind the stupid jokes and smiles.

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy.