Orientation week camp tomorrow

The past few days have been crazy because I have been thinking about what modules to take and how to bid etc. Not to mention getting in some driving lessons here and there because while I am at camp I won't be going for driving lessons most probably which is kinda scary.
I should probably start packing for camp tomorrow but I am frankly just so lazy to do anything today. I don't even feel like going for camp but I paid money for it and it would be such a waste if I skip it. I guess I have just been rather down about the whole start-of-uni thing because I keep thinking about how absolutely horrid J1 was. I keep telling myself to be open and willing to have fun with new people but frankly I keep obsessing about how I may not be able to get along with these new ppl and become a loner again. I think I actually like peace and quiet these days. I am happy being alone I think. I actually get really stressed when I have to meet and be forced to spend hours with random people. I keep thinking negative thoughts.

I actually wanted to go to residential college and was very excited about it but now that I actually have an offer from angsana I feel doubtful over whether I actually want to do it. I remember In j1 i would rush to go home cuz although things were bad in school I had parents that cared. Sometimes You just want someone to genuinely be there for you and parents always play that role no matter what. However, I would love the freedom and ability to navigate life on my own.

I really don't know why I am so down ;( I am starting orientation tomorrow! I SHOULD BE ALL HYPED UP AND HAPPY but nope I am dreading tomorrow and I just don't feel up for it. ARGH what is wrong with me.

I need to be positive! its the start of a new life! its something good! I need to be cheerful and try to build up that old confidence and heck care attitute I used to have! THE RUBINI I used to be in crescent. I used to be able to go anywhere and talk to anyone making them laugh and have a good time. Heck even in sgh , I made good friends like katheryn and had such a good time. I felt like the old me is back. I just need to stop thinking of what other's think of me and stop judging people even before I get to know them proper.

I need a personal mantra for a tough week ahead -
just keep going rubi!
keep trying to bond rubi!
find people that you are instinctively drawn to!
stop negative thoughts!
if all fails just smile ;)


Urgh yupp I will be back on wednesday night which is when I get to return home for a night before returning (hopefully) for 2 more days in camp.

Thats it, I am going so might as well make the most of it!
im gonna fake it till i make it man!

when you shut pain out you shut everything out. numbness.

Ok so after about 2 weeks of fairly healthy eating , today I ate an entire family sized bag of lays potato chips. In case anyone's wondering thats more than 1200 calories in less than 30 minutes. I wasn't even hungry. I was bored but I was not hungry. I woke up at 3pm today ( late night) ate a small packet of chicken rice for lunch - 500 calories and had homemade minestrone soup with some cheese toppings for dinner - 400-500 calories. So all things constant, good enough weekend day.

Then, mum bought a packet of lays - I actually asked her to because I was craving something salty and crisp. I ate about 1/3 of the bag and put the rest away. Somehow ended up eating the rest as well. I feel so disgusting. I actually attempted to purge it all out despite knowing its probably sooo bad. I now know what drives bulimics. Its a sense of lonely desperation. Maybe even abit of panic after a binge. Till today I only dealt with binges but today I tried to purge as well. I feel so bloated and disgusting. I know tomorrow I will wake up and all the sodium in the bag of chips will cause me to put on at least 1 kg of pure water weight. I know my face will flare up and tons of new pimples will stare back at me as I look into the mirror . Great, totally what I needed a couple of days before going for orientation camp. ;(

I think I just undid everything I did to be healthy so far. I am mad that I just cannot stick to anything. I am a freaking FAILURE.

very interesting look at obesity and weight ;)

runner's high?

Ok so after feeling like crap and sensing another binge episode coming soon I decided to put on my running shoes and go down for a jog. I also downloaded a jillian michaels podcast and listened and jogged the whole 40 minutes without stopping ( traffic lights don't count ).
I feel much better now. I don't feel like a slob because I know a slob wouldnt have bothered to go for a jog.
It was the perfect remedy for my horrible sense of failure.

Feeling like a whale...

I went for my JC class reunion yesterday and it kinda brought back all those little insecurities I had. Firstly, I had to walk through the entire botanic gardens to the other exit to meet my ex classmates ( a 45 minute brisk walk in hot humid weather) and ended up looking all unglam and sweaty . My hair was all frizzy and I looked like a hot mess. My classmates however, looked fresh and happy. (and skinny)

I just felt uncomfortable and actually just wanted to get home ASAP and take a cold shower. Lets just say it was not the best saturday morning I have had. When I got home I was anxious and insecure - a hot mess. I had a binge episode... yupp totally did. Today I woke up and weighed myself and after a whole week of eating right and exercise I actually managed to gain weight ;( I was 65.9kg on monday went down to 65.6 on wednesday, went up to 65.9 on friday and today I am 66.5kg. I GAINED 0.6KG after doing everything right the whole week. I have no idea if its just pms water weight or real weight or what anymore. I am so frustrated and just feel like a failure.

Its like whats the friggin point? I might as well eat junk and not exercise and gain weight rather than eat well and exercise and just gain weight. Its hard keeping positive when you dont see any results of hard work. Maybe I am just supposed to be a fucking whale. I just wanna lock myself in my room and not go out anywhere and let people see a whale like me. I don't wanna go to uni orientation and stuff and have to deal with people judging a fat whale like me with a huge belly and batwing arms and jiggly thighs. ;( seriously feel like shit right now ;(

Its funny how my entire day and mood is dependant on the numbers on a friggin weighing scale.

so far so good

hi everybody ;)
and yupp thats how i look fresh faced early in the morning. ( well not that early but everything is relative when you have no school or job to go to)
 so yupp was doing pretty well till this morning. I will explain later on in this post.

Since monday, I have been really mindful of what I am eating and I have been trying to not. Its really tough not eating out my emotions as always but things have been looking good. I even made a chart that shows my progress from day to day which is motivating.

So first lets talk about my meal plan. ( yupp it aint no miracle water fast or cabbage soup diet yall)
breakfast : whole wheat crackers and fruit/green tea with half a packet of equal (2calories)

I am so not a breakfast person so this is pretty much all I can manage to eat when I wake up. The tea is also a very easy way to curb my sweet tooth early on in the day so that I don't turn to the mars bars and sweet treats that occupy the fridge. ;( I keep telling my mum that it makes it really hard for me but she buys it for my brother and brushes me aside. However, I cannot blame my parents for my weight anymore. My initial weight problems and poor relationship with food may have been a result of some things my parents did wrong but now I know better and I am a friggin 19 year old! I need to take responsibility for my food issues and the extra temptation in the fridge is just an everyday test for me I guess.


Lunch : soup - this week I made a jumbo pot of minestrone soup with tons of veges and little bits of whole wheat pasta . I divided it into daily portions and froze them in the freezer to be warmed up whenever needed. Prep work ahead of time makes eating healthy a much easier task.

Alright, I do admit it does not look that great but Its just a quick afternoon meal. I must confess that I did have a piece of (gasp) WHITE bread with the soup though. It was all I had at home and I felt that I needed some toast to fill me up abit more to hold me till dinner. The soup has lots of cabbage and carrots and celery etc that it really does fill me up . It tastes really good and takes less than an hour to prepare and I basically throw in all the veges , add some tomato puree and let it simmer away till its done. voila stoup ( stew/soup)


dinner : a huge ass plate of salad greens,chicken/egg/some protein and other veges plus alittle bit of vinaigrette or plain yogurt seasoned with salt and pepper ( delicious!)

yupp and of course I had to grab some fritters that my dad had bought ;(
Well i must admit I did slip up a couple of times here and there.
First I practically inhaled 20 or so lays potato chips at one go before I even realised it!

Then I tried to stop myself from eating a slice of mushroom-cheese pizza I saw in the microwave as I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water . I kinda grabbed the whole thing and stuffed it into my mouth ;( Damn it felt good and bad at the same time.

And lastly today I had 5 delicious (but sinful) chocolate coated almond cookies today with my daily breakfast ;( I just could not resist. I am kinda ashamed of it but THIS IS ME COMING CLEAN AND BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I HAVE EATEN. Its such a battle everyday to stop.
I even met my good friend trishta for lunch yesterday to eat at CARNIVORE! a brazilian obviously meat centered restaurant which I skipped breakfast to save calories for .( personally I feel the food isnt worth the calories)

I tried limiting my portion but I have no idea how many calories I consumed. I am just hoping its not too much though.

Well moving onto workout details :
I ran 3km on tuesday and wednesday ( albeit at a snail pace but I am totally out of shape man)

 -me looking very unglamorous after a good jog.
I don't think the timing is accurate cuz there are tons of traffic junctions in choa chu kang. NO SERIOUSLY, every friggin 500 metres I encountered a traffic light and had to stop. Plus I am a slow jogger/runner which also adds to that.

I did lose abit of weight the last couple of days but today I weighed myself and realised I suddenly gained 1 kg overnight. no kidding. I was devastated and annoyed with the scale. Which explains the chocolate cookies with breakfast and fried fritters with salad for dinner since I do eat when frustrated. However, everything made sense ( boys just stop reading... really) when I started experiencing really bad cramps in the afternoon. OH HAHA its just the usual PMS bloat 1.5 kg of water weight and the chocolate cravings that come with it. AH the joys of being female.

I did however do an hour of yoga this afternoon and the side cramping has totally dissapeared! The power of yoga and stretching is just unexplainable. I felt great after the session.

I followed this video on youtube ( you should totally check her out man! awesome stuff)
Although the cramps are gone I am still suffering from extreme bloating which will be gone only when aunt flo comes to town ( I know abit TMI )
I feel like a whale and I am all swollen and puffy. Uncomfortable.
HAIZ its so demoralising to step on the scale and see an increase instead of a decrease. I mean I know its just temporary water weight and I did not overeat 7000 calories overnight or something. URGH. I am going to not weight myself so often for a week or two or I would prob go crazy. Talk about scale obsession right?


On the upside, I am going to the gym tomorrow with trishta and we are gonna work up a sweat !
Maybe I can sweat out the 1.5kg of water I have gained overnight! I was googling it and it seems to be one of the solutions apart from reducing sodium and drinking more water. lets see how it goes.

alrites then. I should really get to bed soon. sleep = better weight loss
I am so praying hard that I don't gain another 1.5 kg when I open my eyes tomorrow. ( but just in case I am not weighing myself tomorrow)
nites my fellow beautiful curvy ladies ;)

I know where I am going wrong. 
Ive been focused on short cuts but weight loss cannot be achieved by shortcuts.
The yo-yo dieting has done me no good.
After a pretty long hiatus I think I am finally going to do this the right way.
LETS SEE HOW IT GOES ;)
MY NEW MANTRA : FIT BY 20! 
my goal now is to reach my lifetime goal of 50kg by may 4th 2013 which will be my 20th birthday. 

lifelong battle with fat part 2.

In short, My weight has fluctuated throughout the years. My confidence level is depends on my weight. To me my self worth will always ALWAYS be tied to the number I see on the scale. The number makes or breaks my day. If I get tagged in an ugly picture in which I can see my ugly fat arms or my double chin I immediately suffer from a bad mood. I am anxious about my weight and I may be downright paranoid. Everyday day and every mealtime I think of my stomach and thighs. Its a lifelong obsession.

Has anyone else been this way? AM I CRAZY?

I keep thinking one day I will be skinny and this shame I feel will end.
One day I will be pretty.
One day I will be normal.
One day this obsession will be over.


I am tired of feeling this way. I am really exhausted from the anxiety I feel.

My lifelong battle with fat.

For as long as I can remember I have always been fat.
I have never had a flat stomach or a waist that was less than 30 inches in diameter.

My earliest memory of feeling fat was probably in primary 3 when my battle with fat began. I remember wearing yellow winnie the pooh pajamas and staring at the mirror and pinching my stomach and my thunder thighs. I remember wishing for it to be skinnier and felt really sad that my cousins were all skinny and were what I considered 'normal'. I felt disgust and repulsed by my own image in the mirror. All I saw was my bushy eyebrows that joined in the middle and looked like a caterpillar across my forehead. My curly bushy frizzy hair that was beyond control. The pimples that left scars because I pinched them hoping they would disappear. The round pudgy face with a double chin. The lack of angles in my face. The fact that I was really dark and ironically is undesirable in the Indian community despite us being generally darker as a race.

I was even ashamed of my body changing and becoming more curvier if you know what I mean. Lets just say I matured a whole lot faster than my fellow 9 yr old friends. I hated how short I was. I HATED my body. I never told anybody how I felt inside because of the shame. I felt horrible in school. I even convinced myself that all my faults were somehow related to the fats I had. I told myself I was stupid because I cannot make myself look like the taller leaner skinnier girls with straight silky hair.
The worst part was that I had two best friends that were skinny and good looking in m eyes. They played sports and were academically inclined. I felt like a failure. Needless to say I had no self esteem and was paranoid about the way I looked. I lived in shame. I hit 65 kg in Primary 6 itself and was only barely 144 cm tall. I was obese. I ate my feelings of shame away and that was how my binge eating and emotional eating patterns began.

Then I went to secondary school and lost weight and gained confidence. some pictures of the gradual weight loss in sec sch are below.

oh there's worse thks to fb archives

Look at my face and there was a whole lot of baby fats and I HATED HOW I LOOKED STILL. This was taken in sec 2 .

After this I began to lose weight and crash diet.

However, since then the weight has been creeping back. A level stress was unbearable and I started bingeing again. Lack of exercise and eating out of control took its toll on my body.

TO be continued...

Some days are fucked up. pardon the french but its true.
A new job is never easy but I feel like I am slowly adapting to the new workplace and the quirky people that i see everyday. However, I don't think I will be staying here for the full 3 months because I realize I need some time off. I will be going to NUS in august so I need some time to rest and relax first. Kind of regret signing onto this job. Not so much due to the people but now Im just too lazy to work all the way. I wanna go to the gym and spend my days reading again.
Do ABSOLUTELY nothing stressful. yup soon soon. 11 days more till I resign my first job ;)

A week of absolute bliss ;)

OK so this week i've been lazing around the house or going out shopping and just totally relaxing. I just ended my first job last week and I start a new job on Monday so i have exactly a week of fun and relaxation. I wake up at 11 and spend my time watching TV or going out shopping. In other words just doing fun stuff. Even went for an AWESOME karaoke session with my girlfriends. Even though my exercise and and diet hasn't been that great this week, I'm just hoping to maintain and get back once i start the new job and get into the same old work-gym-home routine again. I feel like life is just more structured when I work. You know getting up at a certain time, having set times for meals and having something to do everyday. I also find it easier to go from work to gym rather than getting off my couch at home and dragging myself to the gym. Not to mention the fact that I tend to mindlessly eat at home while watching tv and movies. I'm kinda excited to go for my dance lesson tomorrow cause its a good workout! However, that means tomorrow is friday and my week of pure bliss is coming to a sad end. Its ok! HAPPY THOUGHTS! work = routine = income and a new experience so all's good !


Oh , and I got accepted into NUS AND SMU! I am just so thankful and I feel so blessed. I know its not just pure luck but years of hard work and dedication so I guess It all paid off. At first I was so relieved to get coveted places in University but then I realised I had big decisions to make regarding where I should go. The worst part is that everyone has an opinion and ITS MY LIFE. My parents want me to go to NUS but I am not sure. I am currently not thinking about it and will make a decision probably in mid-late may. Call it procrastination or just pure denial but Its not easy for me to make a final decision regarding my future so easily. Maybe I will think it through during a quiet workout or a solitary jog in the park. One thing I won't be doing is stress eating. I tend to do that a lot but NOT ANYMORE.

first trying to cycle and now dance!

So this week has been an exceptionally splendid week! It was fun and my diet was fine. My exercise routine was also not too bad although I did sacrifice abit to meet up with friends instead. Today I had the SMU social science interview and it was really good i think. Hoping for the best!

I went for this contemporary jazz class and let me tell u it was intimidating at first! but was rlly fun after that! Im gonna go regularly! good exercise and abit different from the normal gym routine!
I am now 65.5 kg and lost 2.5kg so far since last week! hope I can keep this up man!

Cheers to the friggin weekend and a wonderful week this week. I am really happy ! Its been a long time since I was feeling good about myself

Things will happen when they are meant to happen.

Okay been exercising and eating farely well and down to 66.3kg Haiz seriously one step forward 3 leaps back. Thats what it feels like but for now I am just happy with the downward trend.

My life is still chaotic and I am really nervous about the whole uni application process right now. I got a call on thursday evening at about 5 pm notifying me that I have been shortlisted for SMU social sciences interview which was really surprising cause I applied 2 days before the dateline for applications as I had been procrastinating for SMU app. I was randomly walking into the workplace pantry to get a drink and talked to ZH who was packing ice packs for the medicine when i checked my phone expecting some whatsapps and msgs as per normal and noticed a misscall from an unknown number. I didnt want to get my hopes up and shrugged it off as a wrong number call but called back anyways. My heart skipped a beat when i heard 'good afternoon, this is smu' or smth like that and I gave them my name. Oh and I totally laughed when they told me my interview wld be on friday the 13th. Just my luck eh. ( pun totally intended)

I guess this gives me some hope that SOMEONE wants me as a student because I was starting to think about applying overseas just in case. I mean everyone seems to be getting admission letters left and right and posting pics of the acceptances on fb and I keep looking at them and going 'oh my god no one wants me isit?'

Well, now its time for me to walk into the interview and seal the deal. Everyone tells me its very gp-ish and that makes me feel confident because GP was something I was pretty good at and gives me some hope. ahh well I just need to keep calm and do what I do best. Talk.

Oh and I am gonna hit the gym after work from now on if I dont have plans after work. I am gonna bring along my gym bag n stuff with me to work so that I dont make excuses once I reach home and see my bed. WISH me luck peeps ;)

URGHHH weight gain ;(

 

I am honestly shocked at my weight gain of 4 kg just in the past 2 months. The two months of drama and distraction have really taken a toll on my weight loss plans. I cannot even type out the weight because I am so ashamed of it. 68 kg... yupp Its going up despite me being on my feet and walking about the whole day. Good job body you managed to store more fats even when I am active and exhausted each day. WOW really I wonder if there is something really wrong with me. I mean how can it even be possible when I am not binging or overeating and always cautious of what I put into my body. This has got to stop.  period.

NEW GYM BAG!

The best way to motivate yourself to hit the gym and work out is to get cute gym apparel. A cute gym bag and cute attire not only gives you a reason to go to the gym, it also makes u feel better when working out. I mean it really doesnt matter if you wear cute workout clothes or old school p.e. shirts and fbt shorts but come on looking good is always nice. Therefore, in my quest to lose 4 kg before my 19th birthday , which is exactly one month away, I bought myself a huge spacious cotton on barrel bag in a fun orange color to use as a barrel bag. I think I am going to go do a fitness wear haul blogpost soon. Might as well right? HAHA ;)

OK I have been ultra busy with all the university applications and yada yada. Not to mention the full time job that is very demanding. So right now I am just trying my best to keep moving throughout the day and doing some random sit ups and lunges at home after work. NOT ENOUGH I know but I am working on it.

I feel like in order to lose weight you need to obsess abit about it. Plan your life around it I guess. It is so hard to stick to.

Disappointment.

I have always struggled with not being good enough.
Not having any drive to be the best or even the top few in anything.
I have always felt that being happy is all that mattered and I shouldn't try to be something I am not or do something that is not something I want to do. 
Maybe that mindset is wrong. Maybe I should just work towards what ppl think I should work towards. Maybe my goal should be all As and a  scholarship etc. 
However, it has never been what I want. I am ok with being mediocre. I am fine with getting grades that aren't fantastic but aren't bad either. I am happy not even trying for a scholarship and just taking things easy. 

Then Y do I feel such jealousy at other people's success and achievements?  Is it because I actually want to excel but I know I can never be good at anything to the point where people notice. Do i stop myself from even trying because I know I will just fail and get hurt again? I am actually not sure but Its something to think about.

 

Weight loss on hold once more.

I feel vulnerable and upset. Family issues have made me so mentally weak and stressed out. Looking at my parents, I really cannot believe that true love exists and happy marriages exist. My mother says that she wants me to be settled down by 27 or something like that and I often look at her and say 'y? so that I can also experience the same unhappiness that you did?'

Whats the point of being in a relationship anyways? Is it cause we innately need someone by our side? Is it just a purely sexual need? Is it the need to 'own' somebody and belong to somebody? Why is the notion of a relationship so glamorized and desirable?

I mean how is it that people can fall for each other at the same time? You mean love just happens or does it grow on you slowly and then you just realise its inevitable. I have honestly never been in love. I have had a few so called flings with some guys in secondary school when I was still discovering who I was and what I wanted but it wasn't something true. It was driven by peer pressure and the excitement that comes with the attention. I really liked the attention actually. Made me feel pretty and loved which is awesome for a girl that had been dealing with weight and body issues since she was a child.Obviously these short lived relationships fizzled out eventually as I grew up and gained confidence because they were not fulfilling or mature. I don't regret these experiences though, they were an important part of my early teens and I cherish some of the special moments but I would not label it love. It was just infatuations and a need for attention. I would like to think that I am beyond that stage in my life right now.

Right now, I am rather cynical when it comes to love and boys. I look around at my friends and actually most are happily single. I feel no pressure to date or 'find' someone. Yeah but I am not immune from falling for people , thats just natural. However, I know I am not ready to fully embrace and allow someone else into my life. Maybe one day I will be and maybe I won't but thats something I will never know for sure.

Food Poisoning and Fucked up parental drama

I have been suffering from a bad case of food poisoning lately and been out of sorts.
I feel physically exhausted and to add to this my parents are just being assholes at the moment. I just feel like crying and asking them to just seperate and go their own ways. I am just tired of being the middle constantly and no one listens to me and what I have to say because they are just interested in bashing each other and telling me things. I am just an outlet for them to vent their frustrations and they dont seem to notice how affected I am by it.They think I should just listen and support them but its mentally exhausting. On one side I see my poor dad struggling with a black sheep hopeless brother who needs a place to stay. On one side I see my mother stressed and complaining of panic attacks due to my father and his questioning about the money that she has supposedly just spent. I dont know who to believe and honestly feel lost.

The last time I went crazy and did a screaming match with both of them and tried to end it once and for all but then they suddenly became united and said 'oh its normal' 'everyone fights' 'u r just a kid' 'ok we wont talk about it anymore' etc and i got so pissed I did not talk to them for days and they acted like we were one big fucking family and laughed and joked. As time went by I also relented and thought maybe I was just over reacting but here we are again. back to square one. Here I am again, in tears typing away furiously in the middle of the night in pitch darkness.

I am so sick of this... my constantly upset stomach and this drama and my life basically. The tough period of time earlier in the year that totally pissed me off because of how differently my brother and i are treated in the same situation. Then my less than stellar A level grades. My depressing job that I am stuck to (despite the nice colleagues). Now my parents. My life long battle with body image and weight. Everything basically is falling apart. I am falling apart. But then no one cares cuz they are too busy bashing each other.

Its a vicious cycle. Soon they will put on the masks again and pretend to be fine. My dad will drive us around and go grocery shopping with my mum. Go to weddings together and be the perfect couple. They will watch tv and laugh together. Then one month later my dad will use me as a therapist again and my mum will complain and try to get my sympathy again. The sad part is that my dad's obsession with money issues comes from his own parents that were irresponsible. One spent money like she was a billionaire and the other was a flat out drunk. My father worked so hard to support his family since 18 and is anxious about saving and being strict with spending till today. My mother is a rather spoilt only girl child in a family of four children. Her brothers are all relatively well off except for one which is another hushed up family secret. OMG.... honestly all this is being thrown at me full force and I am so over it. IF i made a detailed post out of it.. it would be bloody long.

Only when its out of reach but not out of bounds.

I don't wanna get hurt or get crushed.
I don't wanna lose the solid friendship we share.
But I can't go on pretending that I am fine with just what we are.
Every moment with you now is torture. 
I like you but cannot be with you.
I love you but cannot be IN love with you.

I keep trying to prove everybody wrong. Oh we are nothing but I am just trying to lie to myself.
I get mixed signals all the time. I don't know what you want but I had plenty of opportunities to ask you.
Straight out. You told me girls should be more straight forward. I felt like telling you be careful what you wish for. 

OMG I am one of THOSE girls. Those pathetic girls that let a guy rule her thoughts and confidence.
OH man... can't believe it. I resolved to never become like this but it still happened to me! I'm sorry that you are kinda perfect. Well For Me. 

Ok I am just gonna do it. Whatever the outcome I don't care anymore. Better to have loved and lost then to nvr have loved at all. Just gonna plan and say it as quickly and painlessly as possible. AH damn it SCARY! 

LOVE and such...

I cannot say that Ive truly truly been in love in my life. The relationships ended briefly and each time I got hurt worse.

I am scared of the strong emotions that is involved in loving someone. Hate and obsession at the same time. The feeling of being unable to sleep or wake up because you are thinking of that one person. The insecurities it brings up especially if you happen to be overweight. OH u fat girls out there know what I am talking about. The 'oh he wont like me... im fat' or 'I am funny and smart but it doesnt matter because I am not attractive' or ' I wish I was skinny cuz I have a pretty face.' Yeah those sucky thoughts in your head once you see a crush round the corner. Been There Done That.

Right now I feel like I want someone special too. Maybe I miss the attention or maybe I want some stability and trust somewhere other than my family . However, I am scared that there isn't anyone that could possibly put up with my lame jokes and just well ME. I am scared that no one is gonna look past the happy face and see that I am way more complex compared to the clowny happy-go-lucky-shell. Someone who understands my work ethic and easy going nature.

I don't want a boyfriend... I want a best friend and everything ALL in one. Dont get me wrong , I AM NOT DESPERATE but merely envious of what some other people have and take for granted. I see how some of my girl friends treat their bf's and omg sometimes I feel like slapping some sense into them. Then I see some boys with gorgeous dedicated girlfriends and they blatantly cheat on them. The girls live in their own fantasies while everybody knows their bfs are cheating around and flirting knowingly or unknowingly. PITY THEM.


So understandably I am terrified of exploring that side of fast approaching adulthood. No longer want those stupid 6 mth relationships and just dating for that 'in a relationship' fb status or attention. There comes a point in your life that you start wanting something real. Something precious and valuable.
I just gotta go on living my life constantly self assured that I am a funny intelligent young girl with tons of potential and much to offer. I am surely not perfect but honey there aint anything wrong with that.

PS; girls! guys! attention all of yall stuck in ailing relationships with cheating flirting other halves.
1) self confidence... u need it...
2) END IT... sometimes love is just isnt good enough anymore
3) Its gonna hurt and sometimes the fear keeps us from doing what we know is the right thing

ok ending the water fast and moving onto a better lifestyle.

I just went on a grocery haul and I got so many healthy foodstuff and snacks to tide me over the new week ;) Time to get back on properly this time round. I know I seem to keep trying to stay on the wagon but times have been tough and finally things are looking positive again.

BACK once more.

weight loss is a journey that requires full on commitment and not half hearted attempts. It requires some peace of mind and a supportive environment. Its about sacrifice to create time to boost your health.

Right now I feel like I am not at a place where I can totally get into it because of all the drama in my life recently but I have had it. I need to put myself and my health first or its gonna be the same depressed and binging me again.

The fact that I have a tiring job also does not help things at all and I am way too physically tired to exercise after work which just sucks. How am I supposed to go for a run or smth when I can barely stand on the MRT going home.

Someone suggested yoga  in some previous comments and actually I think this would be a good time to explore that.

HELL y not just go on a 3 day detox and clear my system of all the junk Ive been putting in it for the past 2 weeks. YUPP i think I should do it.

Everybody is shady in this family. Don't you dare hide grandma!

I have been on a mini hiatus thanks to an excessively tiring job as a pharmacy assistant which is basically just packing medicine all day! I am really getting bored now and everyday I seem to be watching the clock. Its a nice place full of really understanding people that I like working with...really! Its just the intellectually numbing work that I have to do that is a turnoff. Not to mention the whole day on your feet gives you unsightly vericose veins and I get really grumpy when the pain gets really bad as I limp home.

Today I took mc due to really bad cough and sore throat and I have to say that my family is shady. In one day I realised that nobody is trustworthy and everybody here is a moron! My brother is mentally off and my mum and dad barely speak to each other. I would not call it a marriage if you are relieved to not see each other everyday. Needless to say I am always the bad person no matter what and I get dragged into the middle of everything and then get scolded for not just focusing on myself cuz I am a kid. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!

Really, the only way my life could get any worse is if I fail my A levels. YUPP then I can go back into full blown depression because then I will officially have nothing left. So yes this blog is going to be on hiatus for a while because I don't want it to turn it into just a place for my ranting. This is supposed to be a place of happy positive thoughts and support. Just that live is never going to be just happy thoughts.

EXHAUSTION!

I am just so tired beyond words. Today was one of the most painful and tiring days of my life. I was utterly miserable because I sprained my ankle early in the morning and suffered all the way till 5.30 when i ended work. If i had a desk job its fine but i work in a pharmacy constantly running about and doing stuff so it was torture to the max. I cant wait for the weekend!!!
( tomorrow i will be blasting rihanna and singing 'cheers to the friggin weekend')

Finally a real job.. ;)

OK so I just started work at SGH pharmacy and Its a really good job. It involves alot of walking around and basically I am on my feet all day and keeps me active. The main thing I do is walk around looking for appropriate medicines on the shelves and measure out according to the patient's prescription and pack them into these baskets that will be then checked by pharmacists before being finally dispensed out to patients. It requires some getting used to cuz the medicine are all in different places and stuff like vaccines require proper handling like packing in ice etc.Its an interesting first job and It makes the days go by really quickly because we are all constantly doing something and basically really busy. Omg by the time I get home, my feet hurt and I just wanna eat my dinner watch some tv and get to sleep before waking up to the next work day. It also keeps me sane I guess because you know when you are working hard and busy you don't have the time and energy to mope around like a sad ole puppy. I am on leave tomorrow to settle some personal business that has been causing me a whole load of stress and hopefully after tomorrow I can go on with my life as usual.

I feel like the whole of january just whooshed past me but it was a good month. I really got to relax and just spend my time leisurely. I managed to schedule and pass my Basic Theory Test and now this coming friday I will be going for my first ever practical driving lesson. Kinda worried that since its after work, I would be way to tired to concentrate and I don't wanna waste the lesson time since its so expensive you know. Hopefully I get through it properly and ITS SO EXCITING. I don't really know what to expect really. I also did some relief teaching in january and that was another interesting experience and the students were really cute and funny.It was nice to be back in a school environment - my comfort zone. There's something really nice and safe about seeing uniforms and hearing school bells. And of course lastly, I secured myself a job ! that ended up being pretty good especially since I have my good friend zhuang hua working with me. Not to mention my mum afew feet away although we don't really see each other often. AH WELL. Yeah besides the personal problem that ive been facing recently, January has been a good month. Hopefully February will be a better month and I can work on getting happier and more confident.

Honesty

Ok guys lets be honest. We all have had a rough patch in our lives and took it as a way out of facing the everyday duties and responsibilities we have. I have been doing that since Thursday. Just because things had gotten abit rough, I almost gave up and stopped working out like I should and honestly ate crap. Feel crappy and ate crap and felt even crappier to be honest. I am back to my normal non-depressive state now and more sensible now. Time to get back on the horse and fight on. So.. I am starting a One month mental and physical challenge. I start work on this thursday so I am going to start the challenge on that day till February the 26th. The rules I will be following.

1) at least 30 minutes of exercise everyday including after work
2) proper meals everyday and no fast food
3) drink loads of water
4) No shopping for shoes/clothes/makeup/nailpolish etc - (I HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM)


I am really trying to make a real change for a month. Giving up things I love to do.. cough.sho.p.cough.mac.cough.f21


Lets just see how it goes. But in the mean time I am going to shop one last day tmrw and pamper myself like crazy

sunrise

Time to look up and try harder to look at the positive side of life. Every time I get back into that dark dark place where everything seems to be bleak and depressing. I gotta get back outta it. I need to try to snap outta it now. However, there is still something going on now that is constantly getting me down. Its not going anywhere till thursday so its really hard for me right now. But I'm trying

I just wanna be ok..be ok.. be..ok

Perfect song for the rough times I am going through right now. I am apologetic and really regret it but its too late for it now and I have no choice but to face the real world consequences. Oh man, I would give anything to go back in time and never do it but in all honesty I never thought it was wrong at all! I am not a stupid rebellious teen looking for trouble. I'm the hardworking honest kid that parents don't have to worry about. I am independent and never cause any trouble. I am that kid that has coasted through life pretty smoothly. I never thought that one simple moment .. one careless mistake could lead to such a hoo-ha. I am pretty sure people have done much worse and said much worse. I don't understand how it was offensive or wrong. I really didnt mean any harm and now I feel so insecure. I feel watched and very constricted. I really dunno what is wrong and right to say and do anymore. Everything can be misinterpreted and I can be accused of things I didn't mean to do. I am just an 18 yr old that didn't know any better I guess. Haiz, times like this I wish I had a 'god' or some divine presence to turn to that would give me some hope. I need some hope that things would settle down.

 

The Mask

© Kasi

I’m great, fine, spectacular. In a way
I relish every night, and I live every day.
I live, I laugh, I write, I sing,
I wonder what the new days will bring.

Then I get home, and I take off the mask.
The day, and almost impossible task,
Is finally over, and so I lie Down,
and wait patiently for the day that I die.

I cry, I scream, I bawl, and sleep,
even though I have promises to keep.
I wait, and wonder, and cry some more,
And I ache and burn from my very core.

Then, I’m not alone, and the mask reappears:
Out goes the grief, pain and all of the tears,
As I am a happy person, cheerful all the day.
A world full of rainbow, not one shade of grey.

Of course I’m not okay, I’m not fine,
No matter how much I seem to shine.
I don’t even know why I feel this...
Why my existence is one long, endless abyss.

But it is, and will be, so I cling to life,
As one day I might slip, and end it with a knife.
But, I’m still here, no matter what my dreams might say
And I hope that one day I will actually be okay.

Source: The Mask, Depression Poem and 31 Stories http://www.bestteenpoems.com/poem/the-mask-2#ixzz1jvlSCKmA
Best Teen Poems

 

Inside Out

© Angie Flores

Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise,
What hides underneath you can't even begin to imagine.

Source: Inside Out, Depression Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/inside-out#ixzz1jvjZq86d
Family Friend Poems

Tough times

This morning I had a very emotional dream and woke up crying. It had something to do with family and me doing something really stupid and isolating myself. I shrugged it off and was just happy that it was a dream. Today was fun until something happened and ruined my day. Past few days have been really fun and enjoyable! I really thought that finally I was accomplishing something by passing my BTT and successfully getting a job. I was looking forward to wadever new experiences and was on a exercise regiment. I was happy until it happened.


Its like no matter what whatever happiness I experience will be short lived and something will go wrong. I just want a normal life with not much drama. Is that too much to ask for? I can do no right and my life is actually quite screwed up. On the outside I am an average Jc graduate who has been sort of average her whole life. Happy go lucky and always joking around with people. However, the truth is I am rather lonely and unhappy. From simple things like a lack of strong connections with family. I see people who share deep and strong connections with cousins and I feel like Its something I will never have. I am so distant from them and always felt like an outsider for many reasons. One side of my family I see about once a yr during deepavali and the other side is full of family problems and my mum never really facilitated interactions with them and I suspect its due to her own issues and prejudices. I wish at least I could have gotten to know them better when I was younger and then now I am also abit of an outsider to them.When I go to my aunt's house on my dad's side my mum and dad will not accompany me because of their own selfish reasons. It makes everything really awkward.

My immediate family is also screwed up. Everyone used to get along but now no one can even stand to be in the same room together. Not to mention the weird stage my brother's at which makes me feel really depressed because my brother used to be my best friend and now he constantly curses and swears at me. He only screams or yells at me and smses me vulgarities. I seriously don't know where that younger brother who played 'fortress' with me in the bedrooms with pillows and bolsters went. At least if he was still close to me I wouldnt feel so alone in this world. My brother's transformation has affected me alot more than people realise.

After As all the friends are also scattered everywhere working or wadever and I don't see them often and honestly I don't have many good friends that I still want to keep in touch with from JC. Even my bestfriends - one is retained and busy with school and the other is just gonna move to india in march/april. Yeah I don't really show how it affects me to people but I feel like everything is just crumbling and I have no support.At least when I had school, I was busy but now that I don't have work to focus on I feel like my life is so empty and cold. There really is a sense that I don't have anything at all.


The stupidest part of it all is that I feel all these things but I am not the type of person that will confide in someone. I always have this need to maintain this happy bubbly picture during the day and put on a strong facade in front of people. Then go home and cry once everybody has fallen asleep. Since for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and see the real thing behind the stupid jokes and smiles.

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy.

THE 5K RUNNER APP program week 1 day 2/3

Ok so this week i swam on monday and tuesday for an hour in a deserted public pool cuz you know not many people are free to go swim randomly on a weekday at 2pm;) HAHA it was kinda weird to get back into swimming after such a long time! The last time I went swimming was when I was still living in symphony heights ;( Damn I miss that pool with no kpo lifeguards. Ok well I just don't like the feeling of being 'spyed' on in the pool although they are there to guard your safety but yeah still don't like it.

Unfortunately when I got back home after swimming on tuesday, my shoulders and upper arms hurt like a bitch! Seriously could not even move and I took painkillers and went to sleep. I have never gotten aches from swimming before ! Its so low impact and I didnt really push myself so the pain was so unexpected.
So obviously i decided to rest on wednesday and not do anything. i DONT THINK I'LL BE SWIMMING MUCH AGAIN. The experience totally put me off it.

Thursday I started the second day of the 5k app and only covered 2.53 km according to the imapmyrun app but well its a start I guess. Better than nothing and i'm so out of shape anyways. Friday I was so lazy that I did not do anything at all! I just sat at home and watched movies and dramas.. u know lazing about.

Today however, I made nandan call me up at 8 AM SO that i can wake up eat breakfast and wait awhile before running. LOL TOTAL FAIL! We were both supposed to go run/jog wadever at 8AM but she called me and said she was too tired ( she had dance the day before) and I was so groggy i said bye and went back to sleep and woke up again at 12ish. I ate lunch and read my book while downloading Jillian Michaels podcasts!! omg that woman is so friggin motivating!! I can listen to her even when i'm dying during a jog and be motivated! No nonsense trainer!  I hope tomorrow I can drag my butt to go for another jog . OH and the program works! in the same period of time, i ran 3.56 km instead of the previous distance of 2.53km on thursday! yay! If this thing keeps working, maybe the goal is to run a 5K in 30 mins by my birthday ;) I have never been a runner and i remember my 2.4 timings itself was 20 minutes plus so yeah that would be just amazing! Ok for some people that find 2.4 to be nothing much you wouldnt understand but my fellow 2.4 failers will be able to understand how big a deal it is ;)

;) Exercise is so much more fun with apps to calculate stuff for you and it makes it abit more entertaining I guess ;) Its a must try for fellow weight losers because it makes life so much easier.

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i'm Back ;)

Im finally back from the mini vacation and I am totally free and pumped to get back on track ;)
I have had some trouble sticking to the running thing because I find it incredibly hard to keep at day after day! I think I need some sort of easing into instead of just jogging anyhow everyday without pacing or anything.
I was telling this to someone and they suggested that I try the couch to 5k program and i downloaded the iphone app to try. It instructs you when to run/walk and the intensity slowly increases over 8 weeks to make you run a 5k happily.
yeah i just said 5k and happy in the same sentence 0.o'
Anyways, I am excited for the new year and everything that I get to do this year ;)
My resolution is to get my driver's license this year ! Oh and of course to get myself settled into some uni in a good course of my choice ;)
Yeah I know that Its expected to say weight loss should be my GOAL but its not something for 2012! Its a life goal, it doesnt end or start with this year and Its lifelong so I feel its not right to say 'OH its 2012, ok time to lose weight yippee!'. NO! its a choice that is beyond just the start of a new year.
Oh and I'm basically relaxing and taking things easy in Jan and basically gonna do nothing for the rest of the month and then get back to doing something productive and earn some money maybe?
Yay .. more time to focus on the weight loss I guess. But i feel like I am starting over almost after the diet bashing holiday and vacation time full of buffets and unhealthy food basically. sigh